- Instead of rational thoughts or conversations, we go over the same phrase or information countless times in our head. In this manner we manage about one new thought every twenty minutes (when putting the effort in).
- Headaches feel different, and as such are more noticeable.
- Loss of motivation, willpower, and creative juices. This makes it difficult to get work done.
- Alters switch out rapidly, and mood swings within alters occur frequently.
- Jumping schizophrenically back and forth from one side of an argument to the other, making it impossible to make decisions.
- A fog of mind that makes thoughts and feelings blurred and indistinct.
- Less control over "hidden" emotions and Chaos.
- Crushing loneliness, even when surrounded by people.
Most people that I've seen have a Concrete Wall defense system. They put up barriers to keep themselves safe. Nothing gets in that they don't want to know about. Of course, no one is completely impenetrable, though some are pretty impressive. Everyone has cracks. Everyone has weaknesses. A few people that I've seen, maybe two or three, have a Smoke and Mirror defense system. They surround themselves with clouds and illusions, creating a barrier that even I am very rarely able to penetrate. It appears to take a very special kind of mind to sustain this.
I'm different.
I live in the Dream Jar. It's not meant to keep things out. It absorbs them, draws them in... then attacks them. It is broken and unbreakable, made of both dead and living tissue. Picture a sphere of metal, broken into many razor-sharp shards, held loosely together by strands of scar tissue. When it moves the blades dig into me, drawing blood. I feel it constantly. And yet it keeps us safe. But at what cost?
Maybe I'm not meant to be the happy, lighthearted person I think I have to be to make people happy. Honestly I don't see how I could be. I'm broken, I'm disturbed, I've lived through hell, dammit. The only reason I've come up with why I'm still alive at all is that I am, if you'll pardon the term, one tough son of a bitch. I've known all along I'm not like other people, but I've never claimed to be special. If I had a wish, it would be to be loved, but I'd give that up in a second to make another happy.
So where am I going with all this? I don't know. See the aforementioned.
The problem, see, is I think I'm dangerous. I hurt people. I blame it on the Dream Jar when I can, but honestly I have to shoulder much of the responsibility. Look at the people I've touched over the years. How many have I eaten away at? Broken, scarred, crippled in some way? To me, I'm a monster. Good intentions count for nothing next to that. What's worse is the unshakable feeling that some part of me enjoys this. Sadist. Must I give up everything to save the ones I love from myself?
Of course I'm in love. Why else would I shave?
Fait n Kaus. I keep seeing that in my head. Must be important.
3 comments:
Here's what's fucked up. To feel connected to another person, to feel loved, the other has to feel what we feel. And when we are in pain, the only way to feel connected to someone else for them to feel pain as well. That's the "why", and especially why it feels good when we see someone else suffering.
Have you ever thought about holding an election?
Danica once told me that I take on other peoples' burdens so that I don't have to deal with my own. I don't want other people to have to deal with me either.
What's worse is when people do try to comfort me. Anyone who tries to shoulder my burden never does so for long. I'm a big responsibility that no one wants. They want Alex, not Nine. Alex is happy, intelligent, makes people laugh. Nine is an inept shamble who lives horrors but is too afraid to ask for help. People want to see me as Alex, so that's all they'll ever see. And if that makes them happy, who am I to argue?
Not much point in an election. Our Arbitrary Monarchy suits us just fine. (As if we could ever agree on anything.)
You should start your own blog. Complete the circle.
yes, we do have to take on our own burdens, take responsibility for our own issues. but this is not mutually exclusive from lending a hand to those we see in need. that said, danica is right, using compassion as a way to avoid dealing with self is a misapplication of the principle. conversely, using one's own mess as an excuse to avoid compassionate action is also a mistake. see how it goes both ways? i would hope someone who can embrace nine perspectives can see how the mutually exclusive positions may not be as healthy as the mutually inclusive ones, though the latter do take more balancing and work to pull off.
Alex sounds like a front man. effective at navigating the social domain, but that doesn't seem to make you happy, or at least, authentic. sounds more like a survival tactic than living fully. i myself am just as interested in Nine, and i think you are too hard on yourselves. as you've noted, you're in a situation that is not well known at all. so much uncharted territory. no wonder it's terrifying.
you're right, i should start a blog, if only for completion. my life is pretty boring these days, which suits me fine. i go to work, do my writing, come home to my man, eat, watch tv and write some more, and repeat. play games with friends on the weekends, have lunches with my best friend Rach - we'll talk about witchy things.
oh, here's an idea. how about a blog for each one of you?
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