I'm weak. Tired. I'm so tired.
Things are changing. I feel as though I'm becoming more aware of the world at the cost of my sanity. That's the one thing I've always protected and cherished. If I lose myself I don't know if I can go on. Battles can be won or lost, lives changed, the most beautiful things written in my memory, but I've always kept my soul safe in my back pocket. And now it's dying.
I'm falling. The ground has been ripped out from under my feet.
Two worlds are colliding. The visions are coming more and more often, and on larger and larger scales. Not a day goes by when the Chaos does not touch me. It's not an altogether unpleasant experience, although it does leave me somewhat shaken. When we look to the future now, instead of seeing the battle of December we see only the storm. Normal now is falling in public and having no one catch me or help me stand; it is beating my head against walls to keep myself in line; it is tasting blood and then having people make remarks about my breath. I'd say that I was afraid but I've passed the point where it becomes impossible to feel anything. I'm only aware of the light and the darkness and the ever-present cold that has long since consumed me.
I have a heart of ice.
I will endure. It's what I've always done, and thus far it's kept me alive. But I don't know. I'm breaking. The Dream Jar is starting to crack.
I will endure.
I will endure.
Maybe if I keep saying it I'll start to believe it.
<3
2 comments:
*sends warm vibes*
"Time is a juicy god. To discern the patterns of a life, we must become time amphibians, swimming backward and forward through the temporal seas. Time is not, as we so often think, a linear progression of one darn thing after another. Rather, it is a fluid medium in which everything is interconnected and in which each apparently unique happening is also a metaphor for other happenings, pas and future. Time itself may be elemental. It is not a no-thing, a convenience with which to measure our passage through space. Rather, it has form as well as function and may be made up of nested, fractally resonant fields of previous, present, and perhaps future times. Time mavens, mystics, and physicists hint that past, present, and future are our little local ways of boxing the universe to make it plausible to consciousness. They hint further that reality may be shot though with hyperdimensions and multiple realities. Can such thinking give us clue to the hidden meaning and purpose to our lives?
...In dipping back into the seas of my becoming and riding some of these waves, I return, as it were, to my Essence - what in fractal mathematics is called the strange attractor, a construct that provides order, meaning, and direction to apparent chaos - to celebrate its patterns and to discern its future possibilities. I do not believe any of us is history innocent. We each bear family history, cultural history, even the history of humanity itself morphically coded into the folds of our brains and the fields of our lives..."
- Jean Houston
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