One thing I've noticed about myself recently is I'm a lot more reluctant to touch people. It's strange. A lot of the time I need physical contact. Hugs. Mental bridges. And so forth. But more and more I've been dwelling over the notion that people don't want to be touched. Another case of me being afraid to put myself forward for stupid reasons. A bit of affection shouldn't be asking a lot... but sadly, I've just forgotten how to ask. I guess it's not really fair to expect people to help me when I won't express any need for it.
I need to hear that everything's going to be okay. I need to be comforted. I need to learn to cry again.
Of course, I wouldn't dream of asking for anything. No matter how much I trusted the person, no matter how much I needed it. It's not in my nature. I just give of myself, as best I can... of course, good intentions count for nothing. And there's always the fear of being called selfish, or an attention whore. No. Never ask for anything. Just give, and hope, perhaps, to be repaid in kind. That's my philosophy so far as this sort of thing goes. Never ask. Never complain.
I am so sick of my self-depreciating bullshit. I almost wish I wasn't able to tell when I'm lying to myself.
I've been dreaming of the Defender again. That strange fusion of Skeleton and the haich. The dreams are fewer and fewer, but growing stronger. I hope nothing... regrettable happens.
2 comments:
Everything's going to be okay, Nine. Really. It may not be easy, or pretty, but it will be okay.
If I were on the other side of the pond, I would definitely come over and give you a hug. And I would witness you crying, as long and as hard as you would need to cry. Crying is good.
Thank you... though honestly if you did come near me I might well hide, or push you away. I'm pretty wound up like that.
But then... it's not so much the words as it is the people who say them. Or the people who don't.
Oh, this painful soliloquizing... I need to find something more productive to do with my time.
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