Neo-Nine

I am like a child.
Feel me breathe. In. Out. I can breathe now. For so long my breathing was constricted. No more. The tightness in my chest is completely gone. My back is much lighter; I'm standing tall much more of the time, if not always. That said, my entire torso aches. Touching my chest is painful.
I feel like I'm exploding with power. I am so much freer now. The energy... fortunately my body has not gone into a feeding frenzy after being starved for so long and drained. I've entered a safe mode, naturally sucking up the residual energy that people naturally give off. (You can detect it even if you think you can't.) It's slowly filling me up, but I want more... it's like a delicious smell upon the air, hinting at a feast just out of reach, and I'm so hungry... but I'm sure it will get easier. If I've lasted this long it can only go up from here.
On another note, this experience has managed to finally break me of my addiction to porn. It was one of my secret shames, something I despised but kept falling back on in hard times. I feel no embarrassment in admitting it now because I know it's over. Like the last time I cut myself, I can feel that something has ended. I've thought about going back to it at times, and at each point my response is the same: "Fuck you, I'm free now." I just don't need it any more. I am free.
I couldn't bring myself to promise I would live well. I don't trust myself enough yet... and maybe I don't really want to live well. But I'm going to live well for now and see where that takes me. I don't doubt I'll be able to keep it up.
Me for now, us for always. As I breathe, I hope, and the Nine breathe again.

This is it.

Things are about to get very interesting. Tonight, I become free.
For the first time, I can finally see the shape of myself. I'm trapped. I'm being held down by chains. Four spill out behind me, two strung through my shoulder blades and two on the tops of my legs, suspending a great weight under me. Inside of it are my memories, my repressed emotions, the darkness that has built up in me. The other night I heard a voice, and the voice said LET IT GO. I will remove this heaviness that even now weighs upon my mind.
But the fifth chain is the largest, and it spills out not behind me but from my chest, forwards and upwards. And on the end of that chain is Grandfather, the twisted nightmare of memories and demonic intent that manifests itself around me. He has made me and he drags me ever onwards into darkness. I must free myself of him or be forever lost.
Removing these chains will be tricky. A fool might try hacking at his limbs and chest with a knife, but I'm neither insane nor an idiot; hurting my solid body would achieve nothing. Instead, I must use what energies I have to cut them out inside me. I have to get them out completely, since if I just snap the chain they would still weigh me down and restrict my breathing. White Heat, I think, will be the way. This will, of course, be extraordinarily painful... even though I won't be physically cutting into myself, I'll still register the pain. The mind and body are thus connected. Sad, really.
And it has to be now. I could put it off, but then I'd just put it off forever out of fear and the net discomfort and negative consequences of keeping these chains for the rest of my life would far outweigh the agonies of extracting them now.
I wonder how much energy I have left. Life energy is to the soul what blood is to the heart, and while most people can stay stable I seem to burn right through it... I've been hungry for a long time. So, so hungry. When this is finished I will probably be starving. And I have no one to feed off of. As a rule I don't eat from family - wrong type of emotional bond, as well as that being just plain weird - and there isn't anyone at the moment who trusts me enough to... to... I guess I'll just have to cope.
This will hurt. It will leave me drained and exhausted. But I will be free.
This is it.

I love you.

A welcome distraction

Being a multiple is like alcoholism: no matter how "in control" you think you are, you keep waking up to find you've done something you regret.

Something happened at kendo. It's taken awhile before I was ready to write it down. We were experimenting with putting on the full armor and getting hit. When I put on the men (helmet) almost instantly something came over me. Something not good. The one I ended up with didn't match my head size and pressed tight against my ears, muffling noise. Apparently the edges stretch a little with use so they fit more comfortably, but at the time it just felt too small. I didn't mind the limited vision, or the heat, or the breathing problems that seem to afflict most people, but what did get to me was the pressure. The tightness. The... confinement.
Later, when I became unable to function in class and tore the men from my head, breathing heavily, I blamed it on claustrophobia. But it was more than that. The very specific feeling of having something wrapped tight around my head did something to me. I remember tugging on the edge, trying to free up a little room inside so I could hear, and I'd swear I've made that exact motion somewhere before. But where? When? Why? It makes no sense. But it was so familiar. It frightened me. It made me angry.
I didn't want to talk to anyone after that. I don't mind showing inexperience or ineptitude, but weakness... if there's one thing I'm not, it's weak. I tell myself that, anyway. I'm sure I'll end up with the men on again next week. I'm going to learn. This will not break me.

I asked a girl out again. It came on me very suddenly. I told myself no, but I felt my brain cracking at the resistance. Somehow I know this is going to take my life in a new direction; I could actually feel the timeline shifting as the words came out.
Of course, there is no mutual romantic interest between us. Which is frustrating, in a way, because a romantic relationship is what my brain thinks I need, but maybe a new friend will turn out better for me anyway. My true feelings are kind of buried at the moment. Maybe one of me likes her. I'm not totally sure what I think.
Anyways, due to some family pressures an actual date is sadly out of the question. But you know, I don't mind. If the worries of a pretty girl's parents were the height of my problems I'd be a lot better off than I am now. If things are meant to work out for the best (whatever that means in this context) then they'll find a way. In the meantime I've got a backlog of homework to see to.

Just a thought

My brother was sick for a little while. My parents asked if I remembered the week before when I'd been similarly sick. They absolutely could not believe it when I said I didn't remember.
What am I going to have to do to get people to catch on?
I keep losing time. Sometimes it's things that could be chalked up to ordinary forgetfulness:

• Mother yells at me for not taking the chicken out of the oven like she asked. What chicken?
• Finding out the next day that I was supposed to have homework
• This day seems to have gone by really fast

And then there are some things that are just unavoidable...

• The moon jumps three phases in a single night
• I wake up halfway through a filming session
• Reading things I have no recollection of writing

I'm tired.

I want to be angry

Milo died today.

Believe Me

I wrote this the other day, but I don't know what it means. It takes me long enough to crack into my subconscious; why does it have to be so damned cryptic when I do? Anyways, I've given it its performance so I see no harm in rewriting it here. It's called Believe Me.

Here I am on a stage
with the purple-shirted monsters doing dances on my left
and the grey people sitting in chairs all a-watching
and I say, believe me,
I'd join you if I could,
but it's far too far to jump and besides, I like the dancing.
I spread my arms all birdlike and they say it came too soon
I find a monster boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the daring life, with nothing kept in check
always dreaming of the screaming and his kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
you're like nothing I've ever known
and I'd spend the rest of my life with you if I thought
I'd last more than a month under these conditions.
So he clings to me tight but his arms are like shadows
and I spread my purple wings and fly to grey lands far below.
I tell them all my story and they say it came too soon
I find a human boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the silent life, my nightmares kept in check
he's lying in my heart and planting kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
I've never been so well-rested
but my wings are aching; I need to fly
and I cannot carry you.
He says there are no monsters, don't lose yourself in dreams
you say that you know purple but it isn't what it seems
the darkness took you once and I don't know why you can't see
I'd give you all the world if you would only stay with me.
He smiles that secret smile of his; we roll down to the floor
just then my purple-shirted ex comes slith'rin through the door
and I say, believe me,
this isn't what I wanted.
Take me away, somewhere far away,
with a great grey earth and a purple sky
I'll be with you forever and I swear I'll never stray
just let me keep my other world
please, let me keep my other world.
They lock me in the moon for good
the walls are made of light
they chain me down and dress me up
attired in black and white
I tell them all my story but it's what they want to hear
'cause one boyfriend is dead and now the other's disappeared
far beyond the doctors and too self-absorbed to cry
I watch the silent shadows flick across the purple sky
and I say, believe me

Styx and Stones

By some clerical error I've ended up with four courses this semester. I was successfully placed in data management, but wasn't moved out of calculus and vectors. That's double the math, after the one I already took in the summer. Oh well. At the moment they're only dealing with people who've failed courses or have an extra spare, so I'll bear with it for awhile. Might be fun. Aside from that I have psychology (well, The Individual and the Family in a Diverse Canadian Society) and of course Lit.
Something did happen in psych today. The teacher said that a person can't be described as a family on their own, there has to be two or more people. One girl asked if this also applied to people with "Multiple Personality Disorder". I wanted to correct her (actually for a split second I wanted to kill her) but I didn't say anything. Teach said no, they're still not a family, but said such a person would be... what was the word she used... entertaining. Much hilarity ensued.
Yeah. I'm glad we're such a joke to these people. It's good that I kept my mouth shut. They don't deserve to know.

Words keep bouncing around inside my head. Many are random, seemingly meaningless, but the following sequence pops up several times a day:

Click, clack
sebun-ten
don't stop
half black
seventh! don't.

I find myself repeating them more when I'm stressed, or sometimes for no reason at all. The order of the lines gets mixed up at times, but the words remains the same. A few others occasionally work themselves into the mix:

don't
wait for us
you mustn't
you promised
the way it goes

And then there's this charming little ditty:

not to
worry
not to
worry
not to
worry
'bout us

Baffling.
I think I'm depressed.