A welcome distraction

Being a multiple is like alcoholism: no matter how "in control" you think you are, you keep waking up to find you've done something you regret.

Something happened at kendo. It's taken awhile before I was ready to write it down. We were experimenting with putting on the full armor and getting hit. When I put on the men (helmet) almost instantly something came over me. Something not good. The one I ended up with didn't match my head size and pressed tight against my ears, muffling noise. Apparently the edges stretch a little with use so they fit more comfortably, but at the time it just felt too small. I didn't mind the limited vision, or the heat, or the breathing problems that seem to afflict most people, but what did get to me was the pressure. The tightness. The... confinement.
Later, when I became unable to function in class and tore the men from my head, breathing heavily, I blamed it on claustrophobia. But it was more than that. The very specific feeling of having something wrapped tight around my head did something to me. I remember tugging on the edge, trying to free up a little room inside so I could hear, and I'd swear I've made that exact motion somewhere before. But where? When? Why? It makes no sense. But it was so familiar. It frightened me. It made me angry.
I didn't want to talk to anyone after that. I don't mind showing inexperience or ineptitude, but weakness... if there's one thing I'm not, it's weak. I tell myself that, anyway. I'm sure I'll end up with the men on again next week. I'm going to learn. This will not break me.

I asked a girl out again. It came on me very suddenly. I told myself no, but I felt my brain cracking at the resistance. Somehow I know this is going to take my life in a new direction; I could actually feel the timeline shifting as the words came out.
Of course, there is no mutual romantic interest between us. Which is frustrating, in a way, because a romantic relationship is what my brain thinks I need, but maybe a new friend will turn out better for me anyway. My true feelings are kind of buried at the moment. Maybe one of me likes her. I'm not totally sure what I think.
Anyways, due to some family pressures an actual date is sadly out of the question. But you know, I don't mind. If the worries of a pretty girl's parents were the height of my problems I'd be a lot better off than I am now. If things are meant to work out for the best (whatever that means in this context) then they'll find a way. In the meantime I've got a backlog of homework to see to.