Well.
Now I know.
No... not now. I'm not in a state to write now.
I'm still digesting.
I... ugh.
Fucking hell.
Apr 9, 2010
Apr 6, 2010
Words for the future
I'm not the person that I wanted to be. Not yet, anyway. Maybe some day I'll change that.
My brain is shifting again. I'm having dizzy spells and headaches, as well as other strange effects. I think I'm very close to finally waking up. It will be nice to finally see the world and leave this nightmare behind. But the Dream Jar works both ways: anything can get in or out, just not in one piece. Breaking through my own defenses will be difficult. But then, I've endured a lot. I'm going to drop the modesty and say that I have, honestly, been through a lot of shit. So this comes next. So be it.
I was thinking about love earlier and I realized that I've never really loved a person. I just covet personality traits and absorb them into myself. It seems I naturally seek out people who not only have a hole in their life that I can fill, but also who have something that I want. I think this is part of the reason I find people with happy, contented lives so frustrating: because there's nothing for me to exploit to get at what they have.
That's always been "me," I guess. No central character, just a patchwork of things I've absorbed. You could say that about most people to some extent. I'm just more... literal. I don't think it's a bad thing, not really. I don't hate what I am, even if I do regret a lot of the choices I've made. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be united. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in love, for real I mean. I might be right now, but it's probably just hunger again. I'm trying not to show it. It's meaningless. Besides, she'd have no interest in me.
I'm getting stronger. The energies inside of me are building. I can manipulate it many ways and change my form at will. I'm becoming more bold with my projections, straying further and further into the unknown abyss. It does get frustrating, though... I keep forgetting what shape my solid body is. It's difficult to eat when you keep thinking your mouth stretches three inches in front of your face. I'm kind of scared someone will notice... but at the same time, I kind of want them to notice. To top it off, emotions have started to trickle back. Genuine ones, not the appearances I put up. Just the other day I felt genuinely happy. I didn't understand. This will take some getting used to.
I'm almost certain that I was raped as a child. I can't say for sure. My brain throws wild accusations left and right, so any intuitions or body memories I might have could easily be false. I'll probably never know. Can I live regardless? I hope so.
All things considered, I haven't done a great deal with my life. My mum keeps saying I've done really well considering the hand I was dealt in life. I guess that's something. A lot of it was spent just coming to terms with myself, something I'm still not completely finished with and probably never will be. I've spent a good chunk of it waiting to die. Overall I think I spent about an equal amount of time feeling happy and sad, but both of those are dwarfed by the time spent feeling nothing. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes not.
I dunno. There's not much to be said for me. I guess I'll just do what I always do.
Just go with it.
My brain is shifting again. I'm having dizzy spells and headaches, as well as other strange effects. I think I'm very close to finally waking up. It will be nice to finally see the world and leave this nightmare behind. But the Dream Jar works both ways: anything can get in or out, just not in one piece. Breaking through my own defenses will be difficult. But then, I've endured a lot. I'm going to drop the modesty and say that I have, honestly, been through a lot of shit. So this comes next. So be it.
I was thinking about love earlier and I realized that I've never really loved a person. I just covet personality traits and absorb them into myself. It seems I naturally seek out people who not only have a hole in their life that I can fill, but also who have something that I want. I think this is part of the reason I find people with happy, contented lives so frustrating: because there's nothing for me to exploit to get at what they have.
That's always been "me," I guess. No central character, just a patchwork of things I've absorbed. You could say that about most people to some extent. I'm just more... literal. I don't think it's a bad thing, not really. I don't hate what I am, even if I do regret a lot of the choices I've made. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be united. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be in love, for real I mean. I might be right now, but it's probably just hunger again. I'm trying not to show it. It's meaningless. Besides, she'd have no interest in me.
I'm getting stronger. The energies inside of me are building. I can manipulate it many ways and change my form at will. I'm becoming more bold with my projections, straying further and further into the unknown abyss. It does get frustrating, though... I keep forgetting what shape my solid body is. It's difficult to eat when you keep thinking your mouth stretches three inches in front of your face. I'm kind of scared someone will notice... but at the same time, I kind of want them to notice. To top it off, emotions have started to trickle back. Genuine ones, not the appearances I put up. Just the other day I felt genuinely happy. I didn't understand. This will take some getting used to.
I'm almost certain that I was raped as a child. I can't say for sure. My brain throws wild accusations left and right, so any intuitions or body memories I might have could easily be false. I'll probably never know. Can I live regardless? I hope so.
All things considered, I haven't done a great deal with my life. My mum keeps saying I've done really well considering the hand I was dealt in life. I guess that's something. A lot of it was spent just coming to terms with myself, something I'm still not completely finished with and probably never will be. I've spent a good chunk of it waiting to die. Overall I think I spent about an equal amount of time feeling happy and sad, but both of those are dwarfed by the time spent feeling nothing. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes not.
I dunno. There's not much to be said for me. I guess I'll just do what I always do.
Just go with it.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)