Out of sight...

Haven't written anything in awhile. Not really sure why. I guess I'm tired.

Math is ongoing. Just a couple days left. I'm cruising around a 70 at the moment. Could be worse, I guess. Could be better too. All that's left is to do really well on the summative/exam. Meh. It's only math.

Something came up with my psychologist the other day. I was talking about the one time I tried to go public, as it were. Anthropology/sociology/psychology class. The topic of mental disorders came up, and I chimed in, thinking I had a different viewpoint to add. I didn't reveal much, but it was enough to be taken aside by the teacher, sent down to the guidance department twice, and get shouted at by my parents. The reasoning being, as far as I can tell, that if I go around telling everyone that something bad happened to me when I was little (which I didn't even suggest) then people are going to assume my parents mistreated me. And that would look bad for them.
Of course, come out of the closet about being gay and you get hugs and applause and tears of admiration. But evidently this is just too different, too far from the accepted norm, too rare for people to care enough to understand it. Let people know and I'll be in trouble. Do they think I don't know that? Do they think I wouldn't prefer being occasionally bullied by insensitive pricks to living a lie? People resent me for what I am. As if it's my fault I'm this way. Don't talk about it, don't have to deal with it. Staple a smile to my face and everyone's happy. Shut me up.
Anyway. I don't try to talk about myself to people any more if I can avoid it, because I don't want to have to go through that again. It's a similar situation to anyone who attempts to reveal themself to the world; get squashed down like that the first time, it's much more difficult to try again. And being someone like me isn't something that pops up in everyday conversation. I can't just put on a dress or a turban and let people draw their own conclusions, I have to talk about it. I need to talk about it. But.
Anyway. During this time when I was describing how important this was to the good doctor, I felt something trembling. My shields slipped and for a second my voice cracked into a desperate, miserable sob. Quickly I composed myself and carried on as normal. I wonder if she noticed. I wonder if this is likely to happen again. It's not like me to let myself go like that.

Going to camp soon. There's been plenty of buying new clothes and whatnot. Ought to be interesting.

Need to Vent

Just finished Luna. Amazing book. It's about being transgendered, but a lot of the themes apply to me. Being trapped in your own body. Hiding everything that might give you away. Mindfulness of who can/can't be trusted, who is too closed-minded, only opening up as a last resort.
I spend so much time hiding. So much time never showing my true colours.
I'm a multiple, dammit. I just want people to know. Is that so wrong?
Hate. I might die, from all the hate in me.
I feel everything. So I feel nothing.
I hate teenagers. I despise the sex and the drugs. I loathe the living.
I hurt. So much I want to say, can't even bear to speak aloud because it just sounds so insane. Things I've never told anyone. Not even the ones who love me.
I don't. I can't.
I hide.
Keep myself from the world. Everyone's happier that way.
Some day, be it soon or far off, I'll die. Perhaps that hate will die with me. I only have to hold it till then. I'll bury it deep. I'll put a smile on and keep going. It's how I get through most days.
I don't want people to see me as a cripple. We all go on. We all carry our own burdens.
Whatever.
I just.
I just want.

Should be hibernating

At school. Math is either stressful or tedious. I flip constantly between trying to keep up with the equations to frustration at the time it takes to do anything. Sometimes I daydream or switch out during class and I've missed something important and have to struggle to catch up. Accelerated learning is hard.
Aw, it's not all bad. I'm busy is all.

I'm tired. I got about four hours sleep last night. Just can't seem to get any rest.

I'm worried about my use of time. I've taken to playing a lot of Solitaire lately. I need to do my schoolwork, and put aside time to work on the play I keep meaning to work on, and the comic, and maybe have a social life. The social life is near the bottom of my to-do list, though. I'm spending four weeks at camp next month, I don't want to people myself out too soon.

I keep having thoughts, but I can never remember them. It's hard to concentrate lately. I have nearly no attention span. I wonder why.