I saw Requiem for a Dream last night. Life goal achieved. Woo. And it was incredible. Almost (almost) to the point where I wished it wasn't quite so intense to watch, because of the things it does to you. Beautiful.
I'm on the waiting list for a hospital bed. We don't know when it's going to happen, if at all. People keep going over what to do if I have to be taken to the hospital. I think they expect me to break down soon. They say they can't treat me for dissociation and other things until they've got the depression and mood swings under control. I'm sorry, but to me that's like saying you can't take out the bullet until the wound has been sealed shut. The process is supposed to be all about opening old injuries and taking the pain, so why am I the only one who seems willing to accept this? It also bothers me that people keep referring to my experiences as "visions" or "seeing things that aren't there." Clearly I'm not expressing enough that it's real to me. But then, my trying to express things often ends badly.
I can taste blood again. Bad sign.
"So, about this young lady you're interested in."
"Yes?"
"Well, I'm curious about the kinds of relationships you have that work. What is it about her that's allowed you to stay together?"
Silence.
"Does she give you positive reinforcement?"
Silence.
"When you see her at school, is she happy to see you? Does she smile, wave, or say hello?"
"...we don't go to the same school."
"Oh, of course, yes! So you see each other, socially, then?"
"...yes."
"So... does she help you when you're feeling down? Can you talk to her about these things?"
"She's not really a talky person... in that way."
"Oh... so how is she good for you, then? How does she help you?"
Long pause. "She keeps me sane."
"I see. How, exactly?"
Silence.
"If you can't tell me right now that's okay."
I can't bring myself to think such things. How can I? How could I speak a word against the one person who's kept us safe and healthy for so long? It must be me that's wrong here. It must. Have I been selfish again? Have I asked for too much? After all that she's done for us, how can we be so ungrateful? After she's been there for us? Helped us through the hard times? Comforted us?
She must have comforted us. She must have. It's not fair to accuse her of doing anything less than that. I've been the hypocrite. Again. What have I done for her? I've tried to make her happy, but always gotten it wrong. Always thought too much about myself. I tried to be a better person for her. I've failed, again. I'm still lost.
But why can I not hear her telling me it's going to be okay?
Again, it's all going wrong. I'm being silly. Of course. Yes.
I just don't know if I believe in love any more. And I don't know if anything is worth that.
1 comment:
Well, you're right that they've got causes and symptoms backwards. Their vision is limited - they can only see outward manifestations, not what's going on inside. And they are afraid of depression symptoms and mood swings in particular, because that's often the aspect of what we go through that leads to suicidal thoughts, or outbursts that can hurt other people.
Oh, those are nasty, awful thoughts to deal with. Such release may seem like it's a boon at time, release from suffering. I know I was awfully close to that point myself, on more than one occasion. *shudder*
So know that people are acting out of fear and ignorance. They don't know. They can't know. Because they aren't having the experience, it is not available to them.
So, how do we communicate what is going on with us, in a way that permits others to have a glimmer of what's really happening? Yes, it's frustrating that they don't get it - visions, hearing voices, "overactive imagination" (I really loved that one). What would Skeleton have to say about it? I think others can only understand through metaphor. It's like being a time-traveler trying to explain things to people who don't even know they're on a planet.
I've been the hypocrite. Again. What have I done for her? I've tried to make her happy, but always gotten it wrong. Always thought too much about myself. I tried to be a better person for her. I've failed, again. I'm still lost.
You must learn to drink from your own cup.
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