Wow... two posts in one day. Something must be wrong with me.
I know something is wrong with me. I'm listening to Lux Aeterna. I only listen to that when I'm truly worried about something. And not just nervous; I mean afraid. I'm afraid of something.
Maybe I'm feeling guilty about not feeding Milo.
Maybe I'm under stress from a huge workload that I'm only imagining I have.
Maybe barely six hours a night just isn't enough sleep to survive on.
Maybe because I haven't been eating.
Maybe I'm still disturbed by the Blue Needle.
Maybe I've got a gut-wrenching feeling that I've forgotten something important, so important it should never have wandered from my attention at all.
Maybe I've been staring at my mutilated hands wondering how anyone could enjoy their touch.
Maybe I find it distressing that there are so few virgins my age.
Maybe I know, deep down, that Project Crash isn't going to work.
Maybe I'm afraid I'm going to betray someone.
Maybe I think someone's going to discover what I know about Mezzophysics and call me insane.
Maybe I can't stop wondering about the cry for help I left on a message board that no one knows I know about.
Maybe because the closer I run to God, the further I ultimately fling myself back.
Maybe because I know that a student was tasered for asking a politician irritating questions.
Maybe I'm afraid I'm going to commit an act of Ehn Trakq.
Maybe I keep comparing myself to the Pornomime from the music video for Build God, Then We'll Talk.
Maybe because it's been years since I've referred to myself by my own name.
Maybe because I still can't scream.
Maybe I'm worried no one will read this until it's too late.
Maybe I'm just not sure if I can go on.
Maybe I'm not used to being loved.
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1 comment:
I just hope I haven't read this too late. Or too many times.
I want to be there for you. This screen doesn't offer any comfort, I'm sure.
Your hands are perfect. Sometimes I stare down at mine and wonder how they can be held. And then you move your hand into mine.There doesn't seem reason to wonder anymore after that.
I want to tell you it's alright. I want to be there. There's too many things to worry about. Too many things to be afraid of. But I want to pull you back. I'm here.
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