I feel like shit.
Multiple times I've felt moved to kick one of the cats, break mirrors, hurl Susan across the room, or physically strike someone.
My speech is further dissipating. Language skills are falling apart. I'm worried it's only going to get worse. Yet another symptom of schizophrenia. Sigh. The panic attacks have started again as well. No... not panic attacks. Triggering episodes. I'm going to call them what they are, because dammit, I take my disorder seriously even if no one else does.
I'm just so angry. Angry at myself. Angry at the world.
People try to comfort me by saying that I'm okay. That I'm a good person. That there's nothing wrong with me. This doesn't help. It's just denying that there's a problem. That's not what I need. I want someone to just accept me for what I am. But then I'm always hiding. There's always that divide. I'm good at it, too. For the past couple weeks no one's realized I'm in enormous emotional distress.
On one hand I'm friendly, charismatic, content. On the other I'm angry, self-obsessed, violent. On the other I'm small, in mortal pain, and screaming (no one hears). On the other I'm quiet, unwanted, unnoticed. I circle round and round, never finding rest.
Every day I go to school afraid that I'm going to kill someone. Every. Day.
I keep walking.
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