List Reckoning

A chronological list of just some of the weird shit that has happened to me:

1. the lightning bolt
2. that kind of ghost thing
3. the face
4. stabbing myself in the leg
5. meeting with the dark king, part one
6. Jim
7. the grav-kak
8. a slug
9. fire in the sky, part one
10. nester
11. hunter
12. ghoul in the night
13. the fire prince
14. meeting with the dark king, part two
15. torment
16. assassination
17. the goddess
    
18. fire in the sky, part two
19. the orange man
20. the golden trial
    
21. meeting with the dark king, part three

Laws of Weird Shit:

1. Any object, life form, location or situation that is at least 51% out of the ordinary in which the expression “shit” can be used appropriately (but not necessarily) to indicate danger may be classified as weird shit.
2. Weird shit attracts more weird shit.
3. Weird shit is bad.
4. Weird shit may be good, but only when held in direct contrast to some really bad weird shit.
5. Weird shit may only be classified as “really, really bad” when at the head of at least two other pieces of bad or really bad weird shit.
6. Weird shit that is particularly disgusting, menacing or enormous may be classified as “holy shit” which is 2-300% more dangerous than weird shit. Really, really bad weird shit generally falls into this category, but not always.
7. Weird shit beyond the point of being really, really bad is purely hypothetical, and best left nameless.

The results of the aforementioned weird shit:

1. Multiplicicity and all-around madness.
2. Some days I still walk with a limp.
3. A scar on my side that sometimes feels as though it’s bleeding.
4. Five scars crossing down my back. They took months to heal.
5. Broken and misshapen wings.
6. Dents and lumps all across my chest.
7. Six tiny stab wounds evenly spaced across my back.
8. A fear of purple flowers.
9. A fear of broken fingernails.
10. A fear of the outdoors.
11. Very little desire to convert to Satanism. (hah.)

Things I have never told anyone about, ever:

1. The Dream Jar
2. The True Map
3. Babylon
4. The Blood Flowers
5. Vampirism
6. The Golden Trial, parts 2 and 3
7. Skeleton's Final Plan
8. My Destiny
9. What I really look like to myself

Reasons why I love you:

1. You remind me of the good things in myself.
2. The sound of your laughter.
3. Your strength and depth.
4. You see things clearly.
5. You think I'm beautiful.
6. How beautiful you are to me.
7. You care about what's best for me.
8. You never let me fall.
9. I feel happy just being near you.
10. You're easy to open up to.
    
11. The way my hand fits in yours.

Reasons I did not like The Dark Knight:

1. The score was unmemorable. Can anyone recall any of the tracks from the film? I didn't think so.
2. The acting, with one notable exception, was bad. The worst was the prison scene, where the pretty damn awesome Heath Ledger failed to make up for the underwhelming Christian Bale.
3. The tech was bad. This is Batman, not James Bond. Batropes, batarangs, even the batcar are plausible, but the batcycle, batballoon and that freakish batsonarwhatsit were over-the-top. Which leads me to
4. The writing was mediocre at best. You can tell the writers have no idea what they're doing when they substitute special effects and a few decent lines for ideas and then write half the plot around getting to use them.
5. Heath Ledger is dead. Get over it.
6. It's already old news. The greatest movies of all time last forever, but we've already moved on. When the next Batman movie rolls around it will be over, since no superhero movie has ever topped the second in its own series.