Back on the wagon

Took a pretty big hit last night. Fortunately I'm still standing.
The same thing that keeps me safe also keeps me isolated. The ultimate defense; nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Between us and God we're trying to find a way to dismantle it without killing everyone. It's not easy. The system is full of mazes, illusions, locks, traps, put together by some mad genius. It's not only difficult, it's dangerous, and extremely painful - like performing surgery on yourself from the inside out. I never know when we'll hit a new seam that turns out to be a crack, or a wall, or some strange secret. There's really no telling where this will go.
When we hit something bad, I'm in an extremely vulnerable state. It's like taking the antivirus software off your computer. Something you didn't expect is almost guaranteed to attack you. Suddenly everything has razor edges. I get cold, very cold. For days at a time everything tastes like blood. Ups and downs, and it's difficult to gauge how bad it is when I lose all sense of what's real and what's not. It's best not to trust my thoughts and feelings, since they've almost certainly been corrupted. Then I have to stay in this state for anywhere from an hour to days until we've finished clearing the area or sealing up something really nasty we've unlocked.
I don't like to talk much when this happens. If I try to describe it people will either not understand or think I'm exaggerating. After all, he's just a child; how could he possibly comprehend how his mind works? Must be an attention-seeker, just his imagination, he doesn't know what real pain feels like. Yeah. Of course. If anyone asks I just say I've been feeling tired lately, which is true, but not in the way they think. It's easier for everyone if no one takes me seriously.
Sigh. Overly negative as usual.

I know I'm nothing special... I'm just a very special nothing.