The missing skin on my hand is red, like an open wound. I guess it is. It would be impossible to hide now even if I wanted to. I now wear it with a hint of pride, as though it's some kind of battle scar. You can be put into therapy for self-mutilation. I'm tempted to come forth and say I knew what I was doing. Then they'd take me seriously. I stroke it from time to time, just to remind myself that it's there. Just to feel it burn.
So maybe I'm not crazy, but I definitely can't say I'm unwell. I can blame nothing for what I am. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I can't go on living a septuple life. I know that. No one should have to. There's evil things afoot, and in the world where nothing has any meaning anymore the last thing one needs is a broken mind. I'm so tired of living a fractured life. I can never hold onto anything, never. Not a thought, not a feeling, not a memory. Not a love, not a life. Nothing. Every time I latch onto something and tell myself I'm safe I become someone else and throw it off like an old coat. I can't trust myself. I never know who I am. Religion, though, that's the big one. I'm nothing but a hypocrite. How can I bring God to other people if I only know that He's there part of the time? I can't. I can point in the right direction, but there's no guarantee I'll take it, and therein lies the absolute hopelessness of my situation. No matter what choices I make I'm guaranteed to undo them. I'm the makings of my own destruction and I know it. There's no point denying it. The worst thing you can possibly do is lie to yourself.
One more thing. Thousands of years ago, people could be possessed by Demons. Question: who's to say that isn't still happening?
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I used to think they'd take me seriously if I came forth, but I gave it more thought. Perhaps too much thought. If anything, they take you or I less seriously. You'd be treated differently, true, but also, more people will be afraid. They wont say anything because they fear it will happen again. They'll be more careful with their words, as they don't want to be the reason for more pain. There is help, but only if you want to be labeled with a disorder and maybe put on meds. Pills. There is a certain amount of help needed with this kind of thing, but mostly it has to come from you. I'd never take anything to alter my emotions. That scares me the most. Not being me anymore.
I guess pride is one thing. I guess I have personal pride, but I've never shown anyone. Never. In a household where it's joked about so much, I don't ever want them to see that it's 'real' in their lives. I don't want to scare them. I don't want them to look down on me. They'll blame themselves. I can't live with that.
It's a quote from a song, that is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M25_BBKFR-4
How can you change who you are? It's harder to hold on to things, but the most important are kept with you. You've held onto a thought before. A feeling. A memory. A love. And a life, well, you've got your own, and mine. Does anyone trust themselves? I've never trusted myself. And I know a few more people that don't. Keep pointing. You'll get there eventually. I've never been closer, and my steps are rather small. One step at a time. Keep pointing. As long as there is one part of you that knows the direction, or of the direction, or knows someone who knows the direction, and you follow, you will end up in the right place. I don't doubt your judgment.
It's like what you said about the disorder where one hand does one thing and the other undoes it right afterwards. Doing up a coat and unbuttoning it afterwards. I'm sure there's a way to overcome it. Sometimes you just need help doing up one button and that's all that it takes.
Demons. People used to say that they were possessed by demons. People used to say that women were possessed by demons when they said something against their families, or against the monarch, or against the church. Witches. Burning. Demons. I know most accounts are lies. But who is to say that people weren't still possessed?
I think you've got your own personal demons. It's difficult to overcome those. I'm still deciding whether it's better to push them away, cover them up, or hopelessly attempt to get rid of them forever. Takes time.
You've been apologizing to me. You really don't need to. None of this is your fault. Don't take it upon yourself, please. It's not your fault.
You have held on to a love. You have. I don't know why you think you can't.
I love you.
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