Night on the Forest Road

I have a peak that I quickly hit when feeling anything. It's just above trembling with rage but just below screaming bloody hellfire. I try to avoid hitting this peak, because if I do all the energy drains out of me at once and I go back to zero. Feeling nothing. Needless to say, this gets frustrating. Yet another reason I have to constantly keep myself in check. Even as a child I found it difficult to stay angry for more than half an hour, left to my own devices. These days there are some kinds of music I have to suppress myself to listen to... oh, how my world has shrunk.

There are many downsides to this. It's hard to argue for something you're passionate about, to experience true joy, to release sorrow, to tell someone that you love her... I just burn things off too fast. But at the same time, I know it's necessary. Remember your greatest sorrow... remember when your father died. Could you live with that memory, always? I feel everything. Empathy magnifies the problem. I feel everything, with such intensity, that I simply do not have the energy to live with it regularly. I wonder sometimes what I would become, if I could handle this energy... the lengths to which I would go. But it was such energy that broke me. In the past, dissociation was the only way I could escape being destroyed by it. This new system is another escape from my past. In many ways it's not that different.

I want to feel. But I must be careful. It's not too late to save me, but should I ever lose control I would certainly become a monster. Emotion is power. Uninhibited, I could use that power to do... such things... when I am ready. For now, I must be content. The Nine are not yet strong enough to handle such things.

I need to tell someone. I was going to marry Jasmine. That could have been my destiny, if I chose it. Not soon... about twenty years down the line, I think. That was one of the paths that was shown to me, something to aspire to, what could be if I followed the light. But I fell. I was tired, and I let myself fall, and now that ship has sailed. The smallest slip can do such things. But I will prevail, for I was also shown the path I would follow should I fall into darkness. I die, struck down beside the trees, about two years from now. That path is still open to me. I must not follow it.

Predicting the future is a tricky business... I can only see the roads ahead, not which path we will take. I still get glimpses, through the cracks in time. (Is time broken in the world, or only in my head? Has distancing myself from it shattered it for me alone?) Currently I am without illumination, fighting towards a good future I know must exist somewhere. I will prevail.

I think there's a piece of fish stuck in one of the holes in my gums... I hope I don't get an infection now. That would be bad.