In general, I do not like blockbuster assemblies. Too many people, too much noise. I sat through this one because I said I would. There was plenty of time to reflect - I reckon it was the sixth worst experience of my life. My tolerance for people is diminishing. It's horrible. I tremble at the thought. Frozen in myself, listening as the world erupts around me... I'm not totally sure what it means. Euch. It doesn't help that I was in a position to watch the flower, something I usually try to avoid. It lazily lowers its tendrils one by one into the crowd below, then withdraws them. It feeds. I'm not sure why it has a mouth... perhaps it's purely ornamental, or perhaps it serves some other purpose. Doesn't bear thinking about.
I spent some time in those final hours trying to subtly convey thoughts that I'm not certain exist. Closure, something I never was able to find from people.
As may be evident, I'm a little drugged up right now. Sometime yesterday I had my wisdom teeth removed, and since then I've been taking some heavy painkillers while I recover.
The experience was interesting. I'd been preparing for this for awhile; my lower left third molar was already starting to compact my other teeth. There was some pain, and it needed to be taken out. Two days afore the 25th is perhaps not the most convenient of times, but it was what was available. We went in around one thirty, having not had anything to eat since a peanut butter sandwich at five thirty in the morning and a glass of orange juice (it's important that the stomach be empty, for reasons I forget why) and waited for around twenty minutes. When we were called in I lay back in the comfy chair.
I had heard from my parents that a general anesthesia, which I was expecting to receive, was much like being turned off: a sudden flick like a light going out and then you wake up an hour later. Just before we arrived my da told me that he thought I would be getting a local anesthetic, freezing my face but keeping me awake. That didn't help my nerves any. My nurse, I forget her name but I remember that she was nice, told me that I was getting something newer and very similar to the general anesthetic. The effect more closely resembles a deep sleep than completely deactivating the body, which is a more pleasant experience for the patient and more convenient for the doctors because it allows the subject to continue breathing unassisted. She stuck the stinging needle into my hand and I soon became very drowsy. I don't remember much after that. Presumably I fell asleep.
I remember waking up in a blue chair in a room somewhere, thinking how the hell did I get here? I remember staggering slowly out to the car, perhaps getting in. I don't remember the ride home. At some point I was sat in a chair and tucked under a blanket in front of The Fellowship of the Ring, the extended edition. I took medicine every four hours. Most of my lower face was completely numb, which slowly went away but lasted on my left side until well into the next morning. Even though I was awake the sleeping drug was still in my body for awhile, so it's hard to piece together exactly what happened.
There are large holes inside my mouth, though I'm sure they'll close up soon. I worry. There are poking wires through the outside edge of my lower gums. They are meant to be stitches but now they mostly stab the inside of my mouth, stabbing the holes. Someone woke up the middle of the night, panicked and tried to rip the stitches out with their hands. I'm not sure how much damage he or she did but that morning the sheets and my hands were covered in patches of blood. A couple of sharp edges now stick out, poking into the hole above. It is uncomfortable. I am lucky, though; there is minimal swelling. My face is only slightly bulged around the edges, and I am able to speak normally. Food is interesting, as I cannot chew and so everything must be pureed. This is not so bad, actually. I have had baked beans twice.
I was visited last night. "You always know when I'm at my weakest," I said. "Leave. You are not welcome here. I sleep." The intruder said nothing. I turned over and whispered. "God. Help me. I do not deserve your mercy, but I will ask for your aid, if it is your wish. Please. Help us." A calmness rose over me. I stood, rippling with inner strength, my face contorting into a familiar muzzle. And the dark silence, something whispered. "I can crush you," I said to the intruder. "You will leave." I lay back down, rejoining myself and finding a sense of wholeness. I saw the whole of my mind laid out before me: in pieces, often disconnected or locked away, but unmistakably complete. Is a jigsaw puzzle broken when it is disassembled? No, it is simply waiting. "This will be the year I turn my life around. I'll do what's right, you'll see. You'll see."
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