My NaNo was a complete failure. I have the skill, of that there is no doubt, but what I lack is work ethic. I struggle to balance work and play already. I admit, I'm lazy. I procrastinate. I'm supposed to be writing an article for Bio right now. So I guess it was inevitable that the work ground to a halt shortly after beginning. Web series, summatives, work in general, I just had too much on my plate. And yet I'm already thinking after starting a new project... sigh. If dreams were screams we'd all be deaf.
Reasons I don't want/need a girlfriend:
- I need to learn to stand on my own.
- I'm probably moving away and rebooting my life in less than a year.
- I wouldn't touch my sexuality with a ten-foot pole right now.
- All my past girlfriends left me because they didn't need me.
- Consequently, paranoia and abandonment issued.
- Periodic depression.
- Constant worrying about whether I'm emotionally abusive.
- Difficulty opening up to people.
- A darker side to my nature.
- I don't want anyone else to shoulder my burdens.
- I just don't know if I'm capable of emotionally committing to anyone now, or ever.
- Transportation and the impossibility of seeing one another socially.
- I'm too clingy.
- Varying opinions from alters.
- I'm too self-absorbed to be able to provide for someone.
- I'm awful at giving support or advice, usually ending up making it about me.
- Who would love someone like me?
But I know that I want to hold someone, and to be held. I want to be loved. Those are things I've always held onto, no matter what. And much as I want to, I can't give up wanting them. I keep clinging. The broken boy wants a second half.
I revealed myself to someone recently, in a small way. Hard to know what she thinks. The real me isn't anything like the rest; the paint is dry but the wood is rotten... and when the
walls
crumble
down
people don't generally accept what they see. Makes me want to scream, this is what I really look like. Repulsion, fear... well, mostly I'm just ignored. I tire.
Some headway with the good doctor. We've been experimenting with meditative states. Some interesting effects, including a scratch of scrawls I can't fully explain. It goes:
Take don't the face it the way it cant i cant
or something similar... she kept the note, so the words may be a little off. Included was a rough sketch of a triangular... thing. It may have had eyes. Tis bothersome.
"the face" did recently bring up an old image, thought lost. A woman, tied naked to a table, a man standing over her, lowering a spinning, serrated blade to her face... I shudder to think of it. This image has been popping up in us for years now. It has to mean something. Bothersome. Worrisome.
I don't know what to do with myself.
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