Feb 9, 2010
Feb 6, 2010
Believe Me
I wrote this the other day, but I don't know what it means. It takes me long enough to crack into my subconscious; why does it have to be so damned cryptic when I do? Anyways, I've given it its performance so I see no harm in rewriting it here. It's called Believe Me.
Here I am on a stage
with the purple-shirted monsters doing dances on my left
and the grey people sitting in chairs all a-watching
and I say, believe me,
I'd join you if I could,
but it's far too far to jump and besides, I like the dancing.
I spread my arms all birdlike and they say it came too soon
I find a monster boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the daring life, with nothing kept in check
always dreaming of the screaming and his kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
you're like nothing I've ever known
and I'd spend the rest of my life with you if I thought
I'd last more than a month under these conditions.
So he clings to me tight but his arms are like shadows
and I spread my purple wings and fly to grey lands far below.
I tell them all my story and they say it came too soon
I find a human boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the silent life, my nightmares kept in check
he's lying in my heart and planting kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
I've never been so well-rested
but my wings are aching; I need to fly
and I cannot carry you.
He says there are no monsters, don't lose yourself in dreams
you say that you know purple but it isn't what it seems
the darkness took you once and I don't know why you can't see
I'd give you all the world if you would only stay with me.
He smiles that secret smile of his; we roll down to the floor
just then my purple-shirted ex comes slith'rin through the door
and I say, believe me,
this isn't what I wanted.
Take me away, somewhere far away,
with a great grey earth and a purple sky
I'll be with you forever and I swear I'll never stray
just let me keep my other world
please, let me keep my other world.
They lock me in the moon for good
the walls are made of light
they chain me down and dress me up
attired in black and white
I tell them all my story but it's what they want to hear
'cause one boyfriend is dead and now the other's disappeared
far beyond the doctors and too self-absorbed to cry
I watch the silent shadows flick across the purple sky
and I say, believe me
Here I am on a stage
with the purple-shirted monsters doing dances on my left
and the grey people sitting in chairs all a-watching
and I say, believe me,
I'd join you if I could,
but it's far too far to jump and besides, I like the dancing.
I spread my arms all birdlike and they say it came too soon
I find a monster boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the daring life, with nothing kept in check
always dreaming of the screaming and his kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
you're like nothing I've ever known
and I'd spend the rest of my life with you if I thought
I'd last more than a month under these conditions.
So he clings to me tight but his arms are like shadows
and I spread my purple wings and fly to grey lands far below.
I tell them all my story and they say it came too soon
I find a human boyfriend and he takes me to the moon
the quiet life, the silent life, my nightmares kept in check
he's lying in my heart and planting kisses on my neck
and I say, believe me,
I've never been so well-rested
but my wings are aching; I need to fly
and I cannot carry you.
He says there are no monsters, don't lose yourself in dreams
you say that you know purple but it isn't what it seems
the darkness took you once and I don't know why you can't see
I'd give you all the world if you would only stay with me.
He smiles that secret smile of his; we roll down to the floor
just then my purple-shirted ex comes slith'rin through the door
and I say, believe me,
this isn't what I wanted.
Take me away, somewhere far away,
with a great grey earth and a purple sky
I'll be with you forever and I swear I'll never stray
just let me keep my other world
please, let me keep my other world.
They lock me in the moon for good
the walls are made of light
they chain me down and dress me up
attired in black and white
I tell them all my story but it's what they want to hear
'cause one boyfriend is dead and now the other's disappeared
far beyond the doctors and too self-absorbed to cry
I watch the silent shadows flick across the purple sky
and I say, believe me
Feb 2, 2010
Styx and Stones
By some clerical error I've ended up with four courses this semester. I was successfully placed in data management, but wasn't moved out of calculus and vectors. That's double the math, after the one I already took in the summer. Oh well. At the moment they're only dealing with people who've failed courses or have an extra spare, so I'll bear with it for awhile. Might be fun. Aside from that I have psychology (well, The Individual and the Family in a Diverse Canadian Society) and of course Lit.
Something did happen in psych today. The teacher said that a person can't be described as a family on their own, there has to be two or more people. One girl asked if this also applied to people with "Multiple Personality Disorder". I wanted to correct her (actually for a split second I wanted to kill her) but I didn't say anything. Teach said no, they're still not a family, but said such a person would be... what was the word she used... entertaining. Much hilarity ensued.
Yeah. I'm glad we're such a joke to these people. It's good that I kept my mouth shut. They don't deserve to know.
Words keep bouncing around inside my head. Many are random, seemingly meaningless, but the following sequence pops up several times a day:
Click, clack
sebun-ten
don't stop
half black
seventh! don't.
I find myself repeating them more when I'm stressed, or sometimes for no reason at all. The order of the lines gets mixed up at times, but the words remains the same. A few others occasionally work themselves into the mix:
don't
wait for us
you mustn't
you promised
the way it goes
And then there's this charming little ditty:
not to
worry
not to
worry
not to
worry
'bout us
Baffling.
I think I'm depressed.
Something did happen in psych today. The teacher said that a person can't be described as a family on their own, there has to be two or more people. One girl asked if this also applied to people with "Multiple Personality Disorder". I wanted to correct her (actually for a split second I wanted to kill her) but I didn't say anything. Teach said no, they're still not a family, but said such a person would be... what was the word she used... entertaining. Much hilarity ensued.
Yeah. I'm glad we're such a joke to these people. It's good that I kept my mouth shut. They don't deserve to know.
Words keep bouncing around inside my head. Many are random, seemingly meaningless, but the following sequence pops up several times a day:
Click, clack
sebun-ten
don't stop
half black
seventh! don't.
I find myself repeating them more when I'm stressed, or sometimes for no reason at all. The order of the lines gets mixed up at times, but the words remains the same. A few others occasionally work themselves into the mix:
don't
wait for us
you mustn't
you promised
the way it goes
And then there's this charming little ditty:
not to
worry
not to
worry
not to
worry
'bout us
Baffling.
I think I'm depressed.
Jan 30, 2010
Insomnia and broken glass
I could get rid of the monster in my stomach if I wanted to.
My body rejects it. It gnaws on my hearts, alternating sides occasionally, feeding off of me and watching me. Sometimes I try to choke it up. It feels like vomiting. I can feel its legs sliding against my throat. But always it comes back down. One time it reached my mouth, forcing my teeth open, three black legs momentarily dangling. I tried to grab them and rip it from my face but when I reached up I felt a stabbing pain in my hand and pulled back. It crawled back down inside me. Now there's a tiny black mark on my palm where it stabbed me, smaller than a freckle... nothing that couldn't have been there before.
And then, last night.
At my youth group. There was singing. I hung back as usual, even though the noise wasn't hurting my head so much as it normally did. Why? It occurred to me that I was trying to block it out, like I block out everything else. For a minute, I allowed myself to relax. Let emotions fill me. For a few seconds, I allowed myself to feel God's love.
Then the contractions started. The decapede twisted and writhed inside me, punching the walls of my stomach. I felt sick, as before. Instinctively I tightened up. The Dream Jar closed. Everything I had felt faded. It stopped. I leaned against the wall and breathed hard. This seemed to be working, despite everything. I knew that God could heal me; He had killed a mindworm once, with no difficulty. I tried to open up again. It was difficult, everything having clumped together into a tight ball, but with some force I was able to let go. I think I even relaxed my shoulders. I never relax my shoulders. For the first time in too long, I opened myself up to God.
Within seconds it started again. The little demon twisted in me, losing its grasp, being forced up my throat. I clutched my chest and keeled over, darting behind a wall to hide myself. Spasms shook me. Black slime dripped out of my mouth and fell in large, viscous drops to the floor below. It tasted bitter and cold. Then the beast itself came forth, forcing my mouth open wide as it slithered out. To my surprise it wasn't fat and round like I'd pictured it, but long and thin like a worm. Perhaps it had simply coiled itself up inside of me. Its prickly black fur tickled my lips. As it fell from my mouth it broke apart and dropped to the ground in tiny, twitching segments. More slime gushed forth. I felt a strange emptiness.
Just then the music stopped, and there was a call for people to return to their seats. Without thinking I straightened up and closed my mouth. There was a sickening crunch as I bit one of the monster's segments in half, part falling to the ground, the rest slipping back down my throat. It stayed in me as I walked back and did not stir for the rest of the night.
What gave me the will to eject this demon from me was the knowledge that I wouldn't have to be afraid any more. But I am afraid. Afraid of what people will think of me. Trying to appear normal (if eccentric), trying not to be caught doing anything out of the ordinary, that's what stopped me from following through. And because of that the beast survived. It lives in me, hurt but growing, and I can't seem to find the strength to finish the job.
Believing that something is living inside of you is a symptom of schizophrenia. I've made a point of not talking about it.
Why am I so afraid of God? Why do I hate Him so much? For the same reason I hate many things. They touch my heart, and my heart is tired of being touched. I'm afraid to feel anything that I can't control. Until I can conquer that, I will always be alone.
I got a haircut the other day. Something short for a change. It's strange, not to have so much on my head any more. I shake my head and don't feel anything swinging. It's disconcerting. People tell me it looks good. Part of me says I look like a lesbian, minus the beard. I guess I still have difficulty thinking of myself as male. Yet another thing we can never agree on.
On another note, the place I go to get my hair cut had a new assistant, sweeping up etc. She washed my hair at the start and when she touched me, she pierced right through my defenses and I actually felt her. There's not many people who can do that. I'll probably never see her again, but whoever she is I wish her well.
My body rejects it. It gnaws on my hearts, alternating sides occasionally, feeding off of me and watching me. Sometimes I try to choke it up. It feels like vomiting. I can feel its legs sliding against my throat. But always it comes back down. One time it reached my mouth, forcing my teeth open, three black legs momentarily dangling. I tried to grab them and rip it from my face but when I reached up I felt a stabbing pain in my hand and pulled back. It crawled back down inside me. Now there's a tiny black mark on my palm where it stabbed me, smaller than a freckle... nothing that couldn't have been there before.
And then, last night.
At my youth group. There was singing. I hung back as usual, even though the noise wasn't hurting my head so much as it normally did. Why? It occurred to me that I was trying to block it out, like I block out everything else. For a minute, I allowed myself to relax. Let emotions fill me. For a few seconds, I allowed myself to feel God's love.
Then the contractions started. The decapede twisted and writhed inside me, punching the walls of my stomach. I felt sick, as before. Instinctively I tightened up. The Dream Jar closed. Everything I had felt faded. It stopped. I leaned against the wall and breathed hard. This seemed to be working, despite everything. I knew that God could heal me; He had killed a mindworm once, with no difficulty. I tried to open up again. It was difficult, everything having clumped together into a tight ball, but with some force I was able to let go. I think I even relaxed my shoulders. I never relax my shoulders. For the first time in too long, I opened myself up to God.
Within seconds it started again. The little demon twisted in me, losing its grasp, being forced up my throat. I clutched my chest and keeled over, darting behind a wall to hide myself. Spasms shook me. Black slime dripped out of my mouth and fell in large, viscous drops to the floor below. It tasted bitter and cold. Then the beast itself came forth, forcing my mouth open wide as it slithered out. To my surprise it wasn't fat and round like I'd pictured it, but long and thin like a worm. Perhaps it had simply coiled itself up inside of me. Its prickly black fur tickled my lips. As it fell from my mouth it broke apart and dropped to the ground in tiny, twitching segments. More slime gushed forth. I felt a strange emptiness.
Just then the music stopped, and there was a call for people to return to their seats. Without thinking I straightened up and closed my mouth. There was a sickening crunch as I bit one of the monster's segments in half, part falling to the ground, the rest slipping back down my throat. It stayed in me as I walked back and did not stir for the rest of the night.
What gave me the will to eject this demon from me was the knowledge that I wouldn't have to be afraid any more. But I am afraid. Afraid of what people will think of me. Trying to appear normal (if eccentric), trying not to be caught doing anything out of the ordinary, that's what stopped me from following through. And because of that the beast survived. It lives in me, hurt but growing, and I can't seem to find the strength to finish the job.
Believing that something is living inside of you is a symptom of schizophrenia. I've made a point of not talking about it.
Why am I so afraid of God? Why do I hate Him so much? For the same reason I hate many things. They touch my heart, and my heart is tired of being touched. I'm afraid to feel anything that I can't control. Until I can conquer that, I will always be alone.
I got a haircut the other day. Something short for a change. It's strange, not to have so much on my head any more. I shake my head and don't feel anything swinging. It's disconcerting. People tell me it looks good. Part of me says I look like a lesbian, minus the beard. I guess I still have difficulty thinking of myself as male. Yet another thing we can never agree on.
On another note, the place I go to get my hair cut had a new assistant, sweeping up etc. She washed my hair at the start and when she touched me, she pierced right through my defenses and I actually felt her. There's not many people who can do that. I'll probably never see her again, but whoever she is I wish her well.
Jan 23, 2010
guiltguiltguilt
There's something evil in my head.
We think it's a memory. It's hard to say. Couldn't really be anything else. Whatever it is, it's something so dark, so destructive, that even I cannot bear to look at it. Given the terrible thoughts that pass through my head on a fairly regular basis, that's saying something.
Perhaps it's an evil act that I witnessed... a woman, a table, a spinning blade...
Or perhaps it's something that was done to me... body memories, paranoia, fear of being touched...
Or something... something I did... in my hands, on the floor, don't want to...
And someday I will track it down. I will face it. And I will kill it.
We think it's a memory. It's hard to say. Couldn't really be anything else. Whatever it is, it's something so dark, so destructive, that even I cannot bear to look at it. Given the terrible thoughts that pass through my head on a fairly regular basis, that's saying something.
Perhaps it's an evil act that I witnessed... a woman, a table, a spinning blade...
Or perhaps it's something that was done to me... body memories, paranoia, fear of being touched...
Or something... something I did... in my hands, on the floor, don't want to...
And someday I will track it down. I will face it. And I will kill it.
Jan 20, 2010
I have my regrets
I've had a lot of things on my mind.
It's exam time soon. I have english on friday and bio on wednesday... or is it thursday? Not sure. Work is drawing to a close. It's been difficult to focus on anything lately. This strange tiredness doesn't help. It comes on me seemingly without pattern, causing all the energy to be drained out of me at once, lasting several seconds to several minutes. I really don't know what to make of it.
I've been put forth for study in a sleep lab at some point. The good doctor noticed that in all the time she's known me she's never once seen me well-rested. It will be a couple of months at the very least before I can get an appointment, the system being what it is, but I'm looking forward to seeing what they will find.
I spend a lot of nights lying awake and thinking about what could have been. I guess this shows I have a lot of regrets.
(She was right next to me. I could have kissed her. Put my arm around her and locked lips before she knew what was happening. I could have. It would have been her first kiss, probably. Is that what I wanted?)
Ever since I read about cognitive dissonance, I've been catching it cropping up in my thinking. For instance: I want to go out places with people and have a social life. However, people don't generally invite me places. I solve this dissonance by telling myself that I would probably be unable to go anyway, or that I wouldn't enjoy myself if I did. But having examined this, I realize I'm actually kind of hurt that no one thinks to ask me. Maybe in future I should make an effort to be more social towards people. (No one's going to invite me to a party at the end of the year, though. I don't need eyes to see that.)
On that note, here's an experimental script.
DP: Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive dissonance, Amanda?
A: No.
DP: It means holding two conflicting view simultaneously.
A: Is that bad?
DP: In some cases, yes. The mind isn’t very good at doing this. The dissonance has to be resolved somehow. A person may make assumptions or tell themselves untruths about the world so that they can believe two opposing things and still have the world make sense.
A: I don’t understand.
DP: Let me give you an example. Once there was a snake who was hungry for eggs. He found the nest of a wren and tried to eat the eggs he found there. But the mother wren, seeing that her children were in danger, squawked and fluttered and made itself so frightening that the snake would not draw near. The snake told himself that a bird so stupid as to try to fight him, a snake, must be incapable of looking after her eggs, whish must be rotten. Then he went on his way and did not bother the wren again.
A: The snake was wrong.
DP: Why do you say that?
A: Attacking the snake to defend her eggs wasn’t a stupid thing to do. It was brave and noble. Any mother would have done the same.
DP: Even a snake mother?
A: No, I guess not. Maybe the snake didn’t understand the bravery of the wren. But that doesn’t mean the eggs should be rotten.
DP: Exactly. The snake believed two things: that he wanted eggs, but also that he could not have the eggs. This caused dissonance in his mind. When he convinced himself that the eggs were not worth having, one of the beliefs was made lesser than the other and the dissonance was solved.
A: Interesting. But that’s not all the snake believed in.
DP: Oh?
A: The snake believed that he could have taken the eggs if he tried, but the wren scared him away. So he believed in three things: that he wanted eggs, that he could have the eggs, and that he could not have the eggs. He knew that one of these beliefs had to be false, so he told himself a lie so he could continue believing what he wanted. Even though he wasn’t brave enough to take the eggs, solving the dissonance in this way made him believe that he could.
DP: Very good. And what does this prove?
A: Is this about my father?
DP: I beg your pardon?
A: Do you think that I’m creating dissonance by trying to find my father?
DP: Well, let’s examine that. What do you believe about your father?
A: I know he’s gone away somewhere. I know he’s important. I know I have to find him.
DP: Do you know where he is?
A: No.
DP: Do you have any idea how you will go about finding him?
A: No.
DP: Yet you firmly believe that seeking this man out is the right thing to do.
A: I don’t believe. I know.
DP: Why?
A: I don’t know.
DP: Perhaps this is another kind of dissonance. Much like the snake believed so strongly in his own superiority, you cling to this belief to resolve the trouble in a way that you perceive as benefiting you.
A: Or maybe the dissonance is unresolved.
DP: In the short term, perhaps, but in the long run it can’t be done. A person cannot hold two conflicting view indefinitely.
A: I can.
DP: No, you can’t.
A: Why do you tell yourself that?
It's exam time soon. I have english on friday and bio on wednesday... or is it thursday? Not sure. Work is drawing to a close. It's been difficult to focus on anything lately. This strange tiredness doesn't help. It comes on me seemingly without pattern, causing all the energy to be drained out of me at once, lasting several seconds to several minutes. I really don't know what to make of it.
I've been put forth for study in a sleep lab at some point. The good doctor noticed that in all the time she's known me she's never once seen me well-rested. It will be a couple of months at the very least before I can get an appointment, the system being what it is, but I'm looking forward to seeing what they will find.
I spend a lot of nights lying awake and thinking about what could have been. I guess this shows I have a lot of regrets.
(She was right next to me. I could have kissed her. Put my arm around her and locked lips before she knew what was happening. I could have. It would have been her first kiss, probably. Is that what I wanted?)
Ever since I read about cognitive dissonance, I've been catching it cropping up in my thinking. For instance: I want to go out places with people and have a social life. However, people don't generally invite me places. I solve this dissonance by telling myself that I would probably be unable to go anyway, or that I wouldn't enjoy myself if I did. But having examined this, I realize I'm actually kind of hurt that no one thinks to ask me. Maybe in future I should make an effort to be more social towards people. (No one's going to invite me to a party at the end of the year, though. I don't need eyes to see that.)
On that note, here's an experimental script.
DP: Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive dissonance, Amanda?
A: No.
DP: It means holding two conflicting view simultaneously.
A: Is that bad?
DP: In some cases, yes. The mind isn’t very good at doing this. The dissonance has to be resolved somehow. A person may make assumptions or tell themselves untruths about the world so that they can believe two opposing things and still have the world make sense.
A: I don’t understand.
DP: Let me give you an example. Once there was a snake who was hungry for eggs. He found the nest of a wren and tried to eat the eggs he found there. But the mother wren, seeing that her children were in danger, squawked and fluttered and made itself so frightening that the snake would not draw near. The snake told himself that a bird so stupid as to try to fight him, a snake, must be incapable of looking after her eggs, whish must be rotten. Then he went on his way and did not bother the wren again.
A: The snake was wrong.
DP: Why do you say that?
A: Attacking the snake to defend her eggs wasn’t a stupid thing to do. It was brave and noble. Any mother would have done the same.
DP: Even a snake mother?
A: No, I guess not. Maybe the snake didn’t understand the bravery of the wren. But that doesn’t mean the eggs should be rotten.
DP: Exactly. The snake believed two things: that he wanted eggs, but also that he could not have the eggs. This caused dissonance in his mind. When he convinced himself that the eggs were not worth having, one of the beliefs was made lesser than the other and the dissonance was solved.
A: Interesting. But that’s not all the snake believed in.
DP: Oh?
A: The snake believed that he could have taken the eggs if he tried, but the wren scared him away. So he believed in three things: that he wanted eggs, that he could have the eggs, and that he could not have the eggs. He knew that one of these beliefs had to be false, so he told himself a lie so he could continue believing what he wanted. Even though he wasn’t brave enough to take the eggs, solving the dissonance in this way made him believe that he could.
DP: Very good. And what does this prove?
A: Is this about my father?
DP: I beg your pardon?
A: Do you think that I’m creating dissonance by trying to find my father?
DP: Well, let’s examine that. What do you believe about your father?
A: I know he’s gone away somewhere. I know he’s important. I know I have to find him.
DP: Do you know where he is?
A: No.
DP: Do you have any idea how you will go about finding him?
A: No.
DP: Yet you firmly believe that seeking this man out is the right thing to do.
A: I don’t believe. I know.
DP: Why?
A: I don’t know.
DP: Perhaps this is another kind of dissonance. Much like the snake believed so strongly in his own superiority, you cling to this belief to resolve the trouble in a way that you perceive as benefiting you.
A: Or maybe the dissonance is unresolved.
DP: In the short term, perhaps, but in the long run it can’t be done. A person cannot hold two conflicting view indefinitely.
A: I can.
DP: No, you can’t.
A: Why do you tell yourself that?
Jan 12, 2010
Heart Failure on Still Waters
My world is becoming smaller.
Headaches, more frequent. Chest pains, growing. My repulsion at the thought of touching people is returning. I am entering a moderately bad time of my life; not very bad, just a little unpleasant. Hopefully I'll be out of it soon. I think I'm getting a flu.
For a new Lit project I'm attempting to write a traditional Japanese kaidan. Kaidan means ghost story, or, taken literally, talk about strange things. I'm taking elements from several of the most famous stories and compiling them into something new. Maybe I'll be able to present it in the old oral tradition. We'll see.
I've been planning to update more, but my internets have been on the fritz. Limited or no connection, it says, mysteriously. As such it only works intermittently, for short periods of time. I'm kind of afraid to spend too long on it now. Sigh. Maybe later.
Headaches, more frequent. Chest pains, growing. My repulsion at the thought of touching people is returning. I am entering a moderately bad time of my life; not very bad, just a little unpleasant. Hopefully I'll be out of it soon. I think I'm getting a flu.
For a new Lit project I'm attempting to write a traditional Japanese kaidan. Kaidan means ghost story, or, taken literally, talk about strange things. I'm taking elements from several of the most famous stories and compiling them into something new. Maybe I'll be able to present it in the old oral tradition. We'll see.
I've been planning to update more, but my internets have been on the fritz. Limited or no connection, it says, mysteriously. As such it only works intermittently, for short periods of time. I'm kind of afraid to spend too long on it now. Sigh. Maybe later.
Jan 9, 2010
Small and
Many of my memories aren't visual. A lot, especially involving people, revolve around my sense of touch. I remember pressure against my chest, skin beneath my hands, hair against my face. In this case, shoulder blades, as I realize just how thin she is.
I don't love her.
I don't love her.
Jan 2, 2010
Project Calibrate Begins
New year. I'm not making note of it. It's an arbitrary designation. Dates and times have been becoming less important to me.
I had an epiphany recently. I have spent most of my life waiting to die. I've kept telling myself to hold on just a little longer, just a little further, anticipating rest around every corner.
But what if that's not the case? What if I have years and years left to live? Suddenly the world seems much more important to me.
I keep careful track of my subconscious. I have to. I need to understand my unspoken, unreasonable habits.
Deep down, I believe that I will not be given anything unless I do not ask for it. I believe that people do not want to be touched. I believe that sex is a kind of death.
Deep down, I am so full of hate.
I had an epiphany recently. I have spent most of my life waiting to die. I've kept telling myself to hold on just a little longer, just a little further, anticipating rest around every corner.
But what if that's not the case? What if I have years and years left to live? Suddenly the world seems much more important to me.
I keep careful track of my subconscious. I have to. I need to understand my unspoken, unreasonable habits.
Deep down, I believe that I will not be given anything unless I do not ask for it. I believe that people do not want to be touched. I believe that sex is a kind of death.
Deep down, I am so full of hate.
Dec 29, 2009
Night on the Forest Road
I have a peak that I quickly hit when feeling anything. It's just above trembling with rage but just below screaming bloody hellfire. I try to avoid hitting this peak, because if I do all the energy drains out of me at once and I go back to zero. Feeling nothing. Needless to say, this gets frustrating. Yet another reason I have to constantly keep myself in check. Even as a child I found it difficult to stay angry for more than half an hour, left to my own devices. These days there are some kinds of music I have to suppress myself to listen to... oh, how my world has shrunk.
There are many downsides to this. It's hard to argue for something you're passionate about, to experience true joy, to release sorrow, to tell someone that you love her... I just burn things off too fast. But at the same time, I know it's necessary. Remember your greatest sorrow... remember when your father died. Could you live with that memory, always? I feel everything. Empathy magnifies the problem. I feel everything, with such intensity, that I simply do not have the energy to live with it regularly. I wonder sometimes what I would become, if I could handle this energy... the lengths to which I would go. But it was such energy that broke me. In the past, dissociation was the only way I could escape being destroyed by it. This new system is another escape from my past. In many ways it's not that different.
I want to feel. But I must be careful. It's not too late to save me, but should I ever lose control I would certainly become a monster. Emotion is power. Uninhibited, I could use that power to do... such things... when I am ready. For now, I must be content. The Nine are not yet strong enough to handle such things.
I need to tell someone. I was going to marry Jasmine. That could have been my destiny, if I chose it. Not soon... about twenty years down the line, I think. That was one of the paths that was shown to me, something to aspire to, what could be if I followed the light. But I fell. I was tired, and I let myself fall, and now that ship has sailed. The smallest slip can do such things. But I will prevail, for I was also shown the path I would follow should I fall into darkness. I die, struck down beside the trees, about two years from now. That path is still open to me. I must not follow it.
Predicting the future is a tricky business... I can only see the roads ahead, not which path we will take. I still get glimpses, through the cracks in time. (Is time broken in the world, or only in my head? Has distancing myself from it shattered it for me alone?) Currently I am without illumination, fighting towards a good future I know must exist somewhere. I will prevail.
I think there's a piece of fish stuck in one of the holes in my gums... I hope I don't get an infection now. That would be bad.
There are many downsides to this. It's hard to argue for something you're passionate about, to experience true joy, to release sorrow, to tell someone that you love her... I just burn things off too fast. But at the same time, I know it's necessary. Remember your greatest sorrow... remember when your father died. Could you live with that memory, always? I feel everything. Empathy magnifies the problem. I feel everything, with such intensity, that I simply do not have the energy to live with it regularly. I wonder sometimes what I would become, if I could handle this energy... the lengths to which I would go. But it was such energy that broke me. In the past, dissociation was the only way I could escape being destroyed by it. This new system is another escape from my past. In many ways it's not that different.
I want to feel. But I must be careful. It's not too late to save me, but should I ever lose control I would certainly become a monster. Emotion is power. Uninhibited, I could use that power to do... such things... when I am ready. For now, I must be content. The Nine are not yet strong enough to handle such things.
I need to tell someone. I was going to marry Jasmine. That could have been my destiny, if I chose it. Not soon... about twenty years down the line, I think. That was one of the paths that was shown to me, something to aspire to, what could be if I followed the light. But I fell. I was tired, and I let myself fall, and now that ship has sailed. The smallest slip can do such things. But I will prevail, for I was also shown the path I would follow should I fall into darkness. I die, struck down beside the trees, about two years from now. That path is still open to me. I must not follow it.
Predicting the future is a tricky business... I can only see the roads ahead, not which path we will take. I still get glimpses, through the cracks in time. (Is time broken in the world, or only in my head? Has distancing myself from it shattered it for me alone?) Currently I am without illumination, fighting towards a good future I know must exist somewhere. I will prevail.
I think there's a piece of fish stuck in one of the holes in my gums... I hope I don't get an infection now. That would be bad.
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