Insomnia and broken glass

I could get rid of the monster in my stomach if I wanted to.
My body rejects it. It gnaws on my hearts, alternating sides occasionally, feeding off of me and watching me. Sometimes I try to choke it up. It feels like vomiting. I can feel its legs sliding against my throat. But always it comes back down. One time it reached my mouth, forcing my teeth open, three black legs momentarily dangling. I tried to grab them and rip it from my face but when I reached up I felt a stabbing pain in my hand and pulled back. It crawled back down inside me. Now there's a tiny black mark on my palm where it stabbed me, smaller than a freckle... nothing that couldn't have been there before.
And then, last night.
At my youth group. There was singing. I hung back as usual, even though the noise wasn't hurting my head so much as it normally did. Why? It occurred to me that I was trying to block it out, like I block out everything else. For a minute, I allowed myself to relax. Let emotions fill me. For a few seconds, I allowed myself to feel God's love.
Then the contractions started. The decapede twisted and writhed inside me, punching the walls of my stomach. I felt sick, as before. Instinctively I tightened up. The Dream Jar closed. Everything I had felt faded. It stopped. I leaned against the wall and breathed hard. This seemed to be working, despite everything. I knew that God could heal me; He had killed a mindworm once, with no difficulty. I tried to open up again. It was difficult, everything having clumped together into a tight ball, but with some force I was able to let go. I think I even relaxed my shoulders. I never relax my shoulders. For the first time in too long, I opened myself up to God.
Within seconds it started again. The little demon twisted in me, losing its grasp, being forced up my throat. I clutched my chest and keeled over, darting behind a wall to hide myself. Spasms shook me. Black slime dripped out of my mouth and fell in large, viscous drops to the floor below. It tasted bitter and cold. Then the beast itself came forth, forcing my mouth open wide as it slithered out. To my surprise it wasn't fat and round like I'd pictured it, but long and thin like a worm. Perhaps it had simply coiled itself up inside of me. Its prickly black fur tickled my lips. As it fell from my mouth it broke apart and dropped to the ground in tiny, twitching segments. More slime gushed forth. I felt a strange emptiness.
Just then the music stopped, and there was a call for people to return to their seats. Without thinking I straightened up and closed my mouth. There was a sickening crunch as I bit one of the monster's segments in half, part falling to the ground, the rest slipping back down my throat. It stayed in me as I walked back and did not stir for the rest of the night.
What gave me the will to eject this demon from me was the knowledge that I wouldn't have to be afraid any more. But I am afraid. Afraid of what people will think of me. Trying to appear normal (if eccentric), trying not to be caught doing anything out of the ordinary, that's what stopped me from following through. And because of that the beast survived. It lives in me, hurt but growing, and I can't seem to find the strength to finish the job.
Believing that something is living inside of you is a symptom of schizophrenia. I've made a point of not talking about it.
Why am I so afraid of God? Why do I hate Him so much? For the same reason I hate many things. They touch my heart, and my heart is tired of being touched. I'm afraid to feel anything that I can't control. Until I can conquer that, I will always be alone.

I got a haircut the other day. Something short for a change. It's strange, not to have so much on my head any more. I shake my head and don't feel anything swinging. It's disconcerting. People tell me it looks good. Part of me says I look like a lesbian, minus the beard. I guess I still have difficulty thinking of myself as male. Yet another thing we can never agree on.
On another note, the place I go to get my hair cut had a new assistant, sweeping up etc. She washed my hair at the start and when she touched me, she pierced right through my defenses and I actually felt her. There's not many people who can do that. I'll probably never see her again, but whoever she is I wish her well.