I have my regrets

I've had a lot of things on my mind.

It's exam time soon. I have english on friday and bio on wednesday... or is it thursday? Not sure. Work is drawing to a close. It's been difficult to focus on anything lately. This strange tiredness doesn't help. It comes on me seemingly without pattern, causing all the energy to be drained out of me at once, lasting several seconds to several minutes. I really don't know what to make of it.

I've been put forth for study in a sleep lab at some point. The good doctor noticed that in all the time she's known me she's never once seen me well-rested. It will be a couple of months at the very least before I can get an appointment, the system being what it is, but I'm looking forward to seeing what they will find.

I spend a lot of nights lying awake and thinking about what could have been. I guess this shows I have a lot of regrets.
(She was right next to me. I could have kissed her. Put my arm around her and locked lips before she knew what was happening. I could have. It would have been her first kiss, probably. Is that what I wanted?)

Ever since I read about cognitive dissonance, I've been catching it cropping up in my thinking. For instance: I want to go out places with people and have a social life. However, people don't generally invite me places. I solve this dissonance by telling myself that I would probably be unable to go anyway, or that I wouldn't enjoy myself if I did. But having examined this, I realize I'm actually kind of hurt that no one thinks to ask me. Maybe in future I should make an effort to be more social towards people. (No one's going to invite me to a party at the end of the year, though. I don't need eyes to see that.)

On that note, here's an experimental script.

DP: Are you familiar with the concept of cognitive dissonance, Amanda?

A: No.

DP: It means holding two conflicting view simultaneously.

A: Is that bad?

DP: In some cases, yes. The mind isn’t very good at doing this. The dissonance has to be resolved somehow. A person may make assumptions or tell themselves untruths about the world so that they can believe two opposing things and still have the world make sense.

A: I don’t understand.

DP: Let me give you an example. Once there was a snake who was hungry for eggs. He found the nest of a wren and tried to eat the eggs he found there. But the mother wren, seeing that her children were in danger, squawked and fluttered and made itself so frightening that the snake would not draw near. The snake told himself that a bird so stupid as to try to fight him, a snake, must be incapable of looking after her eggs, whish must be rotten. Then he went on his way and did not bother the wren again.

A: The snake was wrong.

DP: Why do you say that?

A: Attacking the snake to defend her eggs wasn’t a stupid thing to do. It was brave and noble. Any mother would have done the same.

DP: Even a snake mother?

A: No, I guess not. Maybe the snake didn’t understand the bravery of the wren. But that doesn’t mean the eggs should be rotten.

DP: Exactly. The snake believed two things: that he wanted eggs, but also that he could not have the eggs. This caused dissonance in his mind. When he convinced himself that the eggs were not worth having, one of the beliefs was made lesser than the other and the dissonance was solved.

A: Interesting. But that’s not all the snake believed in.

DP: Oh?

A: The snake believed that he could have taken the eggs if he tried, but the wren scared him away. So he believed in three things: that he wanted eggs, that he could have the eggs, and that he could not have the eggs. He knew that one of these beliefs had to be false, so he told himself a lie so he could continue believing what he wanted. Even though he wasn’t brave enough to take the eggs, solving the dissonance in this way made him believe that he could.

DP: Very good. And what does this prove?

A: Is this about my father?

DP: I beg your pardon?

A: Do you think that I’m creating dissonance by trying to find my father?

DP: Well, let’s examine that. What do you believe about your father?

A: I know he’s gone away somewhere. I know he’s important. I know I have to find him.

DP: Do you know where he is?

A: No.

DP: Do you have any idea how you will go about finding him?

A: No.

DP: Yet you firmly believe that seeking this man out is the right thing to do.

A: I don’t believe. I know.

DP: Why?

A: I don’t know.

DP: Perhaps this is another kind of dissonance. Much like the snake believed so strongly in his own superiority, you cling to this belief to resolve the trouble in a way that you perceive as benefiting you.

A: Or maybe the dissonance is unresolved.

DP: In the short term, perhaps, but in the long run it can’t be done. A person cannot hold two conflicting view indefinitely.

A: I can.

DP: No, you can’t.

A: Why do you tell yourself that?