Completely Unrelated Title

First exam today. There was a story about a bus ride that we had to answer questions on. It was interesting, because at first we felt sorry for the main character - she's just caught her boyfriend driving around with another girl, and is certain that he's cheating on her. But as the story goes on and she continually insults the people around her we begin to like her less and less. At the end a very sick man throws up and collapses on her, and no one pays any attention to her. She starts crying and declares that no one in the world was more miserable than her. Strangely compelling. Then a 5-paragraph essay. I chose The Chrysalids, and the topic was loyalty. Inkeeping with my usual essay style, I proved that the "evil" characters were in fact the most loyal. Overall it went pretty well. I doubt the others will be so easy.

She's dropping hints like cherry bombs; she wants me to say it. To stop drawing hearts and just tell her that I love her. But I know better. Experience has taught me not to write those words down; first to say them, aloud, to her face. And an appropriate time has yet to come. Until then... for better or for worse... I hope she understands.

And now, a random story.

The Rift
(Part of the Ongoing Saga of Heather and the Heretic)

"Why are we here?"

It was a fitting question, but I didn’t really expect an answer. This wasn’t the first time I’d been dragged from my bed to go running about on some "experiment" that invariably went nowhere but was still somehow always a success. I wrapped my jacket further around me and shivered. We didn’t usually go this far.

"You’ll see." He kept walking, not slowing in the slightest as we left the light of the last streetlights. I hesitated, but quickly ran on as I began to lose sight of him. I had to follow; things seemed to go badly when he tried to do anything by himself, especially at night. Besides, he was the only one who knew the way back. Suddenly he turned and stepped onto the street. I let out a squeak of fright, but of course there were no vehicles around. Not out here, at this time of night. I rushed to catch up.

He stopped, right in the middle of the road. It was still completely silent, but even so I felt a pang of paranoia as I followed him. Two steps away from him he motioned for me to stop. "Heather," he whispered, "can you feel the rift?"

I listened very carefully. The answers to his riddles were never obvious, and it looked as though this would be no exception. "No," I said. "You know I can’t."

He smiled softly and raised his arms. "I finally found it. It all makes sense now." I had never seen him so happy about one of his ‘discoveries’. "Soon I’ll have it perfected. Tonight is the big test."

In the distance there was a faint roaring of an engine. "There’s a car coming," I warned. Worriedly I began to back away. He merely turned and wrapped his black jacket further around him. In the darkness he was nearly invisible. "Get out of the way," I hissed, an edge of panic creeping into my voice. Some part of me knew he wouldn’t listen. I didn’t stop. "Please, move… don’t do this… please." In the half-light of the approaching headlights I could barely make out his smile.

The car wasn’t slowing. It hadn’t seen him. He wasn’t moving. I shifted in agony from one foot to the other, watching as the car came closer and closer. I couldn’t move. He lifted one hand and gave me a tiny, silent wave.

At what seemed to me to be the last second I finally broke out of my trance and dived for him. I don’t know what I was thinking, maybe that I’d push him out of the way, or something. But just as I reached him he took a tiny step sideways and I missed him completely. I stumbled-

I saw the endless road, the roaring wheels, my sister’s body bursting like rotten fruit…

-and hit the pavement hard. The car swerved wildly, its horn still blaring in my ears, but didn’t stop. Slowly I stood up, steadying myself against the wall. He was gone. With shaking hands I tried to rub the light from my eyes. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even cry.

"Got you, didn’t I?"

Before I knew what I was doing I’d whirled around and punched him in the face, smashing him into the wall. "Don’t you ever do that again, you hear?!" I screamed, tears finally streaming down my cheeks. "Don’t you ever do that again!" Then I took him in my arms and kissed him, long and hard. "Don’t you ever do that again."

Like there's a gun to your head

It's the last day before exams. After this I'm going to get ready to cram.

My Top Ten Most Randomly Favorite Songs:

10. Moondance (Van Morrison)
Not the greatest love song in the world, but it’s special to me. The first song I ever learned to sing. Sadly, I can’t listen to it any more. It brings back too many memories.

9. Swing Life Away (Rise Against)
A "sigh softly staring into the distance with a smile on your face dreaming of another life" song. Relatable, depressing without actually being depressing, the music makes you think of all the good things in life. I sometimes listen to it at night and sing along with my own words.

8. Can’t Stop (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
People don’t seem to like this song for some reason. I don’t see why. I always liked the sound, and the story it told felt… I don’t know. Right. I guess it’s one of those songs you just have to love without ever really knowing why.

7. Lux Aeterna (Clint Mansell)
Aside from being one of the most powerful pieces I’ve ever heard… actually, I don’t even need to say any more than that. The sheer power behind this music is enough to warrant it being on this list.

6. Beast and the Harlot (Avenged Sevenfold)
The only song that has ever directly made me cry. The story of Babylon wells up inexplicable depression in me. I don’t know why it affects me so much… it’s almost like I was there. But of course, that’s a silly thought. Of course. Yeah.

5. Shut Me Up (Mindless Self Indulgence)
Or any song by Mindless Self Indulgence, really. It’s just that unique sound they have. It seems to represent the built-up anger I have towards the world. Mindless Self Indulgence has been described, frequently, as the worst music ever written… and yet… somehow… you just have to keep listening to it.

4. Grace Like Rain (Todd Agnew)
I just had to include this song. It saved my life once, you know. Funny thing, depression.

3. There’s A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven’t Thought Of It Yet (Panic at the Disco)
Aside from (or perhaps because of) having an annoyingly long name, this is one of the first songs I ever fell in love with. The tune, the words, the imagery, it all just came together in my head and made me smile.

2. 7 Days to the Wolves (Nightwish)
Epic. This is, I think, the best way for the world to end. Seven days before the end of the world I plan to play this nonstop and shout it at everyone I see. They’ll think I’m crazy, no doubt. I won’t care because I’ll be enjoying the song too much.

1. Spanish Train (Chris de Burgh)
Why Spanish Train? BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME. I consider Spanish Train to be one of the greatest ballads of all time.

It's a lizard. With a hat.

I really shouldn't be blogging now. I've got a veritable crabload of work to do. How much is a crabload? How much does the maximum daily food intake of the number of crabs you can fit into your mouth weigh? I don't know either.

Lux Aeterna again. This suggests that I'm worried about something.

I'm feeling much better now. It's as though the Father reached His hand through my chest and is keeping my heart beating. I can actually feel it. On the other hand, I've spent much of the day high on Silence. Silence and World are drugs, but not normal drugs; they're imaginary. This doesn't make them any less effective. I only take them when I'm stressed. If I ever get addicted I've sworn to give myself an I-told-you-so and a smack upside the head. But that shouldn't happen.

I'm still... angry, somehow. Going up and down. Up and down. Let's blame it on the end of the year coming up. That makes sense.

The Panda Party hasn't been updated in awhile. I hope she hasn't given up.

Sigh. What can I say? The continued existence of life. I go on. The world tries its best to go faster. I end up with a crabload of work and a piano lesson.

The problem with becoming a social recluse is if you do it all at once people ask you why

I wonder if they'll tell stories about me some day. Doubt it.

I feel like I have natural camouflage. I'm completely invisible to the world. People forget about me instantly. No one looks at me. I'm automatically excluded from conversations. Out of time, out of space, I have no place in reality. It's as if the whole of the Universe is trying to systematically deny that I exist. I don't blame them. I'm an anomaly. It's hard to accept me when I never should have existed in the first place. Maybe I should just accept it. Fade away.

I saw dark giants again today. Yes, plural. Two of them. They came for me outside and watched. They were there for me, but seemed unsure about coming too close; I was with a group. If they'd done anything to someone else there's no telling what would have happened. I stuck close to Jennyleigh and didn't dare try to go inside alone.
The fact that I know they're servants of the Dark King is in some ways reassuring. It means they're not some fundamental part of the Universe trying to blot me out. Also, hurting me is one thing. That he's responsible for hurting my fravashi is cause for vengeance.
Speaking of Jim, I think there's something wrong with him. He's been... strange, lately.

If Religion is opium, Science is crystal meth

Kassee, who some know as "my friend in America", and I have known each other for about… well, I haven’t been counting, but I’m going to guess about a year. Together, we came up with… alright, it was mostly her. I helped, but seriously, she knows this stuff a lot better than I do. This is the theory as I understand it.

Okay. First off, I’m a huge believer in angels. Yes, God too – I have my own interpretation of Him. Everyone does, in their own way, but unlike most denominations I fully admit that my personal opinion of exactly what He is and what happens when we die is probably wrong. Or at least inaccurate. And I am completely okay with that – but the point I’m trying to make is I believe strongly in the power of angels on earth, of the light… or otherwise.

One of the parallels we’ve drawn is that of the ancient Greek Gods. Their tales and legends, while seeming absurd, my have elements of truth in them. Some of their stories bear striking resemblances to others… the stories of the wars between the angels and demons. One in particular tells of a great battle between two demons on a mountain. Or maybe it was a hill. Okay, I forget the specifics, but rest assured there is a link: the old gods may have been the Greeks’ interpretations of the struggles of the higher powers.

This brings me to another point. I don’t believe all fallen angels are inherently evil. Rest assured, there are some truly Dark beings out there; terrors the like of which we can barely dream. But I believe there must be at least some good in a few. It’s like saying all anarchists are terrorists.

Another comparison is found in Zoroastrianism. In this the Creator, known in this interpretation as Ahura Mazda, battles the Druj, also called the chaos. Like Him the Druj are uncreated, meaning they were never born and will never die, and seek to destroy all that He has created. From their known descriptions they are obviously similar to the Dark angels, the demons. I can’t help but also note their similarity to the Void and the Screaming Darkness, both deadly entities on the Third (Spiritual) Plane, but which I haven’t been able to conclusively confirm the existence of. Suffice to say they are Chaos of the darkest kind. Also of note are the fravashi, spiritual guardians who send down souls to help us fight the battle between good and evil. After we die we are finally reunited with them. Whether they are the same as God’s messengers or are an entirely different breed of angels is unknown.

But I digress. The point I’ve been laboriously trying to reach is this: we may be part angel.

I’m not certain if I buy into this. I mean, for a start, it would imply that our families are part angel as well, and I for one just can’t see that. And the logical absurdity of it all. And yet… it explains so, so much. Legends tell of the Giants; the children of angels, born of mortal women. They were granted powers beyond anything of a normal human, but often became corrupt. It’s even been speculated that the entire purpose of the Flood (it appears in enough religions, you can’t deny it’s got to have something to it) was to rid the world of the Giants, start fresh. Noah and his family in this case would be amongst the last of the "pure" humans, untainted by angel blood. And need I mention the Greek legends? The Children of the Gods.

And the Mist. Long ago, God or the Gods shrouthed the world in a Mist that mortal humans could not see through. In this they could hide the things that humans were not meant to see. And Kassee and I… we both see things that no one else can see. Some would call this delusions. Others hallucinations. It brings the very nature of insanity – and even sanity – into question. And really, we’re the prime targets for this sort of thing. Her, haunted from birth... and me, cursed with understanding.

So I can’t say. Either way we can’t prove anything… but what if we’re right? What if? I call us half-bloods. She calls us Heroes of Legend. (Actually she misspells Heroes half the time, but I know what she means.) I wonder which is more accurate. It is true, I have felt the calling… the Darkness seems desperate to draw me to their side. It seems we are destined for something greater. I have seen an image, of my Final Trial… someday, I will face the Darkness that assails me. This will be my greatest challenge. In my current state I am as nothing to him. And if I should fail… I speak the truth when I say… God help us all. And yet, think of Jesus of Nazareth. Direct descendant of the Creator, the greatest half-blood of all. I mean, that’s got to be some inspiration at least.

Perhaps, perhaps. We will see.

If there's one thing I am, it's a storyteller.

There’s a strange pain in my side. It started a couple weeks ago, in a kind of lump shape, and recently sort of exploded outwards. Sometimes I think it moves. Sometimes it even feels like it’s alive. Which is kind of weird.
I’ve started calling her Pandora. Yes, I am in fact referring to my own mysterious pain as my daughter. Why not? It makes her seem less alien. Yes, I know that’s really, really weird, and yes, I know it’s impossible for a grown human male to become pregnant, and I’m sure it wouldn’t feel like this. Then the pain flares up again and I just wince and smile. I guess I’m strange like that.

I got sent to the hospital again. Teacher found me slumped at a desk, hyperventilating, shaking, half crying. Probably would be screaming, if I could scream. I kept muttering "he’s here" over and over again. I jumped away when I was touched.
He came for me. The Dark One. Touched me, hurt me. I was scared. So, so scared, terrified for my life. I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t… anything. It was awful.
I don’t remember too much. But I remember the fear. And I know that he’ll come for me again. He may never stop. I just hope I survive… of course I will. He doesn’t want me dead. He wants me broken beyond repair.

I think I’m in love. (again.) She’s:

• Beautiful
• Confident
• Caring
• Small

Okay, "small" isn’t really a good or bad thing. I just thought I’d mention it.
And yet… I’ve got a terrible feeling. Perhaps I’m just paranoid; things in the past haven’t really gone too well. But what if it’s more? What if I hurt her, as I’ve hurt others? What if she doesn’t accept me for what I am? What if I’ve been so broken that I can’t feel love for her, or anyone, ever again? That above all is my greatest fear.
But maybe that’s why I’ve found her. Perhaps, through her, I can learn to love again. Love her, love myself, maybe even love the world. She will be my redemption… or my undoing.
I can only hope. Hope is often all I have left.

I can’t see myself as living to see seventeen.
Maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that sense. I have no idea. But I do get the feeling that this will be my final winter. My final trial.

Have you ever seen a portal?

The Dark One appeared to me again. This time with a proposition.

Same church. Different time. I felt the summoning and went outside. It seems he has some link to me, though I dread to think how deeply it runs. Outside I stood on the very edge of the porch, refusing to leave the boundaries of the church. He appeared before me, not as merely a face but this time a devourer of souls. "What?" I asked, annoyed.
And he spoke to me. Not in words, but in thoughts, in ideas.
I am wrapped around your heart, laced through your soul. You belong to me.
"I belong to no one."
I OWN you! I could crush you with a thought. You are as nothing to me.
I sighed. "Go away. You are not welcome here." Then I turned and went inside.

Later, I heard him calling again, this time with a proposition. I went outside again.
I can give you what you want.
I waited, knowing what he would say next, but needing time to think.
You want to understand. You want to know what you are. I can give you that. I can give you power.
I hesitated. I was, I must admit, sorely tempted. "You've given me no reason to trust you," I said.
You have no reason not to trust me! I can give you everything!
"Or nothing."
You have fears for the world. You despise what it has become. Join me, and you can change it for the better.
"By your side? The power would be meaningless. I will not become a puppet."
You cannot hide. I know what you want.
And it was true. He knew what I wanted, what I wanted so, so badly. To know who, what I am. To realize my full potential. And yet, this was the creature who had created everything I hated so very, very much. For many long seconds I pondered my answer, torn. Despite my earlier statement I wanted power, I wanted to be able to change the world. Maybe I could save lives. Make the world a better place. If only I knew. At last I raised my head. "The answer is no."
The anger he projected was incredible. YOU BELONG TO ME! I CAN DESTROY YOU!
I unfurled my wings, stretched out my tendrils, raised my twisted hands in defiance and roared. He rose up and became a dragon, towering over even the church, and screamed. The sheer power made me step back and withdraw back into myself. "You don't scare me," I muttered.
I am everything you fear.
In the distance I saw dark fire in the sky, rapidly drawing closer. No, I thought, you wouldn't. And then it was there. The giant, right in front of me. I stared, silently scared, as it raised its arm. I wanted to close my eyes. I couldn't move.
The fist hit me square in the chest, driving me backwards. My ribs cracked like twigs, my innards smashed. Blood dripped from my mouth. I choked, barely standing, but managed to look up. "The answer is no." Then I walked away.
It was only once inside that I allowed myself to collapse against the door frame, breathing heavily. I limped to the front of the church, bowed my head towards the altar, and mumbled a few words of thanks. Then I went and sat amongst the shining ones until I felt better.

I can only hope I made the right decision. I know no good would have come of it, but I have to wonder; what if it had? Have I now resigned myself to never knowing the truth? Ever? I don't think I could bear that. And now I feel more broken than ever.
Perhaps there are other ways. I hope so.

One. Four. Seven. Nine.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
I'm supposed to tell them. How can I? I've kept this mostly to myself for four years now. Four years. Too long? Perhaps. Or perhaps no time is long enough.
I'm just so afraid of what will happen to me. Disappointment. Drugs. I don't want to go on. I don't even want to think about it.
I am what I am. I don't want to capitalize on it.
How can I say it? How can I reveal something like this, that's been kept silent for so long? How do I explain? How do I even bring it up? And the pain it would cause. So, so much pain. It's against the very first of the Skeleton Rules: You will not cause pain. Plain and simple. You will not cause pain. It's a rule I break, and break frequently. And each time I pay dearly for it.

The Skeleton Rules
1. You will not cause pain.
2. You will not think highly of yourself when self-appreciation is not deserved.
3. You will not bend to the will of any who are unworthy.
4. You will not allow impure thoughts to pass through your mind.
5. You will not generalize.
6. You will not conform.
7. Your needs are secondary to those of others.
8. You will not break the Skeleton Rules.
9. You are a good person. Don't forget it.

And yet I do break the Skeleton Rules. Particularly rule 8.
I don't know. That seems to be my only answer now. I just don't know. I wish I knew. I wish things had been different. I wish I was a better person. I guess it's too late for that.
I carry on. As I always do. I deal with myself and move on. I keep it inside. It's all I've ever known.
The whole Universe just seems so strange to me.

Things possibly about me:
Synesthesia
Bisexuality
Depression
Paranoia
Inferiority complex
God complex
DID
Schizophrenia
Demonomania
Genuine demonic possession

Why is nothing simple?

Early retirement

This is it. I'm officially putting this blog into hibernation.

I've just stopped posting. No point denying it. I've lost interest and things to write. There's just no point any more. I've just been going through some hard times lately. I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit of despair, as if that's news. I'm worried I might be collapsing into a further state of insanity. The other day I saw a giant purple plant growing out of the ceiling. A Grav-Kak. I was so scared...

Anyway. This is it for awhile. Maybe some day I'll pick up where I left off. Until then... Goodbye, readers that I don't have any of. See you again... maybe.

Unconditional

I've got big plans for this blog.
I don't care that I haven't updated in, I don't know, a month. That's not important. I know, it's the new year already, and my girlfriend is sixteen now, and I've had an exam, etc etc, and yeah a lot has happened. I know I've been seriously neglecting this blog beyond belief lately. I'm fully aware of that. But that doesn't mean I don't have plans for it. See, one of my potential plans for the future now is to become a critic. A critic of what, you ask? I don't know. I'll think of something. But in the meantime, this blog will become my little spot to exercise my criticizing skills. I don't know the word for it - a critique blog? Anyway. Whenever I can be bothered to post something I will critique anything I can think of to go with it. Maybe I'll get some actual readers.

My polar bear. My J. My J-bear. And she's tired. As am I... I'm just better at hiding it. I think.

Tell me this. Have you ever had a musical orgasm? Sort of like that thing from A Clockwork Orange, yeah. This one gets me every time. I'll never understand exactly why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmYSy9U78Sc
Yes, I am a secret Final Fantasy freak. Shut up.

My faults: Arrogant. Selfish. Overconfident. Self-obsessed. Uncaring.
My qualities: Um... still working on this.

Random Youtube video, just because I feel like it:


Something I worry about sometimes. Supposing a certain person or personage was... possessed, say. By, in no certain terms, mind, some sort of demon. In this day and age, how would anyone be able to tell? It would be passed off as genuine evil, or cruelty... or insanity... some kind of disorder, maybe... Something is very wrong in this world, that such things can exist. Angels and Demons are real. There's no POINT in denying it. Yet that's exactly what we do; we come up with "scientific" explanations for events that would otherwise be called unnatural or even supernatural.

Grav: Grav is perhaps the single most difficult to translate word in my entire itinerary. It is used to stack extra stress onto another word, but also has a meaning of its own.