The problem with becoming a social recluse is if you do it all at once people ask you why

I wonder if they'll tell stories about me some day. Doubt it.

I feel like I have natural camouflage. I'm completely invisible to the world. People forget about me instantly. No one looks at me. I'm automatically excluded from conversations. Out of time, out of space, I have no place in reality. It's as if the whole of the Universe is trying to systematically deny that I exist. I don't blame them. I'm an anomaly. It's hard to accept me when I never should have existed in the first place. Maybe I should just accept it. Fade away.

I saw dark giants again today. Yes, plural. Two of them. They came for me outside and watched. They were there for me, but seemed unsure about coming too close; I was with a group. If they'd done anything to someone else there's no telling what would have happened. I stuck close to Jennyleigh and didn't dare try to go inside alone.
The fact that I know they're servants of the Dark King is in some ways reassuring. It means they're not some fundamental part of the Universe trying to blot me out. Also, hurting me is one thing. That he's responsible for hurting my fravashi is cause for vengeance.
Speaking of Jim, I think there's something wrong with him. He's been... strange, lately.

If Religion is opium, Science is crystal meth

Kassee, who some know as "my friend in America", and I have known each other for about… well, I haven’t been counting, but I’m going to guess about a year. Together, we came up with… alright, it was mostly her. I helped, but seriously, she knows this stuff a lot better than I do. This is the theory as I understand it.

Okay. First off, I’m a huge believer in angels. Yes, God too – I have my own interpretation of Him. Everyone does, in their own way, but unlike most denominations I fully admit that my personal opinion of exactly what He is and what happens when we die is probably wrong. Or at least inaccurate. And I am completely okay with that – but the point I’m trying to make is I believe strongly in the power of angels on earth, of the light… or otherwise.

One of the parallels we’ve drawn is that of the ancient Greek Gods. Their tales and legends, while seeming absurd, my have elements of truth in them. Some of their stories bear striking resemblances to others… the stories of the wars between the angels and demons. One in particular tells of a great battle between two demons on a mountain. Or maybe it was a hill. Okay, I forget the specifics, but rest assured there is a link: the old gods may have been the Greeks’ interpretations of the struggles of the higher powers.

This brings me to another point. I don’t believe all fallen angels are inherently evil. Rest assured, there are some truly Dark beings out there; terrors the like of which we can barely dream. But I believe there must be at least some good in a few. It’s like saying all anarchists are terrorists.

Another comparison is found in Zoroastrianism. In this the Creator, known in this interpretation as Ahura Mazda, battles the Druj, also called the chaos. Like Him the Druj are uncreated, meaning they were never born and will never die, and seek to destroy all that He has created. From their known descriptions they are obviously similar to the Dark angels, the demons. I can’t help but also note their similarity to the Void and the Screaming Darkness, both deadly entities on the Third (Spiritual) Plane, but which I haven’t been able to conclusively confirm the existence of. Suffice to say they are Chaos of the darkest kind. Also of note are the fravashi, spiritual guardians who send down souls to help us fight the battle between good and evil. After we die we are finally reunited with them. Whether they are the same as God’s messengers or are an entirely different breed of angels is unknown.

But I digress. The point I’ve been laboriously trying to reach is this: we may be part angel.

I’m not certain if I buy into this. I mean, for a start, it would imply that our families are part angel as well, and I for one just can’t see that. And the logical absurdity of it all. And yet… it explains so, so much. Legends tell of the Giants; the children of angels, born of mortal women. They were granted powers beyond anything of a normal human, but often became corrupt. It’s even been speculated that the entire purpose of the Flood (it appears in enough religions, you can’t deny it’s got to have something to it) was to rid the world of the Giants, start fresh. Noah and his family in this case would be amongst the last of the "pure" humans, untainted by angel blood. And need I mention the Greek legends? The Children of the Gods.

And the Mist. Long ago, God or the Gods shrouthed the world in a Mist that mortal humans could not see through. In this they could hide the things that humans were not meant to see. And Kassee and I… we both see things that no one else can see. Some would call this delusions. Others hallucinations. It brings the very nature of insanity – and even sanity – into question. And really, we’re the prime targets for this sort of thing. Her, haunted from birth... and me, cursed with understanding.

So I can’t say. Either way we can’t prove anything… but what if we’re right? What if? I call us half-bloods. She calls us Heroes of Legend. (Actually she misspells Heroes half the time, but I know what she means.) I wonder which is more accurate. It is true, I have felt the calling… the Darkness seems desperate to draw me to their side. It seems we are destined for something greater. I have seen an image, of my Final Trial… someday, I will face the Darkness that assails me. This will be my greatest challenge. In my current state I am as nothing to him. And if I should fail… I speak the truth when I say… God help us all. And yet, think of Jesus of Nazareth. Direct descendant of the Creator, the greatest half-blood of all. I mean, that’s got to be some inspiration at least.

Perhaps, perhaps. We will see.

If there's one thing I am, it's a storyteller.

There’s a strange pain in my side. It started a couple weeks ago, in a kind of lump shape, and recently sort of exploded outwards. Sometimes I think it moves. Sometimes it even feels like it’s alive. Which is kind of weird.
I’ve started calling her Pandora. Yes, I am in fact referring to my own mysterious pain as my daughter. Why not? It makes her seem less alien. Yes, I know that’s really, really weird, and yes, I know it’s impossible for a grown human male to become pregnant, and I’m sure it wouldn’t feel like this. Then the pain flares up again and I just wince and smile. I guess I’m strange like that.

I got sent to the hospital again. Teacher found me slumped at a desk, hyperventilating, shaking, half crying. Probably would be screaming, if I could scream. I kept muttering "he’s here" over and over again. I jumped away when I was touched.
He came for me. The Dark One. Touched me, hurt me. I was scared. So, so scared, terrified for my life. I couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t… anything. It was awful.
I don’t remember too much. But I remember the fear. And I know that he’ll come for me again. He may never stop. I just hope I survive… of course I will. He doesn’t want me dead. He wants me broken beyond repair.

I think I’m in love. (again.) She’s:

• Beautiful
• Confident
• Caring
• Small

Okay, "small" isn’t really a good or bad thing. I just thought I’d mention it.
And yet… I’ve got a terrible feeling. Perhaps I’m just paranoid; things in the past haven’t really gone too well. But what if it’s more? What if I hurt her, as I’ve hurt others? What if she doesn’t accept me for what I am? What if I’ve been so broken that I can’t feel love for her, or anyone, ever again? That above all is my greatest fear.
But maybe that’s why I’ve found her. Perhaps, through her, I can learn to love again. Love her, love myself, maybe even love the world. She will be my redemption… or my undoing.
I can only hope. Hope is often all I have left.

I can’t see myself as living to see seventeen.
Maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy in that sense. I have no idea. But I do get the feeling that this will be my final winter. My final trial.

Have you ever seen a portal?

The Dark One appeared to me again. This time with a proposition.

Same church. Different time. I felt the summoning and went outside. It seems he has some link to me, though I dread to think how deeply it runs. Outside I stood on the very edge of the porch, refusing to leave the boundaries of the church. He appeared before me, not as merely a face but this time a devourer of souls. "What?" I asked, annoyed.
And he spoke to me. Not in words, but in thoughts, in ideas.
I am wrapped around your heart, laced through your soul. You belong to me.
"I belong to no one."
I OWN you! I could crush you with a thought. You are as nothing to me.
I sighed. "Go away. You are not welcome here." Then I turned and went inside.

Later, I heard him calling again, this time with a proposition. I went outside again.
I can give you what you want.
I waited, knowing what he would say next, but needing time to think.
You want to understand. You want to know what you are. I can give you that. I can give you power.
I hesitated. I was, I must admit, sorely tempted. "You've given me no reason to trust you," I said.
You have no reason not to trust me! I can give you everything!
"Or nothing."
You have fears for the world. You despise what it has become. Join me, and you can change it for the better.
"By your side? The power would be meaningless. I will not become a puppet."
You cannot hide. I know what you want.
And it was true. He knew what I wanted, what I wanted so, so badly. To know who, what I am. To realize my full potential. And yet, this was the creature who had created everything I hated so very, very much. For many long seconds I pondered my answer, torn. Despite my earlier statement I wanted power, I wanted to be able to change the world. Maybe I could save lives. Make the world a better place. If only I knew. At last I raised my head. "The answer is no."
The anger he projected was incredible. YOU BELONG TO ME! I CAN DESTROY YOU!
I unfurled my wings, stretched out my tendrils, raised my twisted hands in defiance and roared. He rose up and became a dragon, towering over even the church, and screamed. The sheer power made me step back and withdraw back into myself. "You don't scare me," I muttered.
I am everything you fear.
In the distance I saw dark fire in the sky, rapidly drawing closer. No, I thought, you wouldn't. And then it was there. The giant, right in front of me. I stared, silently scared, as it raised its arm. I wanted to close my eyes. I couldn't move.
The fist hit me square in the chest, driving me backwards. My ribs cracked like twigs, my innards smashed. Blood dripped from my mouth. I choked, barely standing, but managed to look up. "The answer is no." Then I walked away.
It was only once inside that I allowed myself to collapse against the door frame, breathing heavily. I limped to the front of the church, bowed my head towards the altar, and mumbled a few words of thanks. Then I went and sat amongst the shining ones until I felt better.

I can only hope I made the right decision. I know no good would have come of it, but I have to wonder; what if it had? Have I now resigned myself to never knowing the truth? Ever? I don't think I could bear that. And now I feel more broken than ever.
Perhaps there are other ways. I hope so.

One. Four. Seven. Nine.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
I'm supposed to tell them. How can I? I've kept this mostly to myself for four years now. Four years. Too long? Perhaps. Or perhaps no time is long enough.
I'm just so afraid of what will happen to me. Disappointment. Drugs. I don't want to go on. I don't even want to think about it.
I am what I am. I don't want to capitalize on it.
How can I say it? How can I reveal something like this, that's been kept silent for so long? How do I explain? How do I even bring it up? And the pain it would cause. So, so much pain. It's against the very first of the Skeleton Rules: You will not cause pain. Plain and simple. You will not cause pain. It's a rule I break, and break frequently. And each time I pay dearly for it.

The Skeleton Rules
1. You will not cause pain.
2. You will not think highly of yourself when self-appreciation is not deserved.
3. You will not bend to the will of any who are unworthy.
4. You will not allow impure thoughts to pass through your mind.
5. You will not generalize.
6. You will not conform.
7. Your needs are secondary to those of others.
8. You will not break the Skeleton Rules.
9. You are a good person. Don't forget it.

And yet I do break the Skeleton Rules. Particularly rule 8.
I don't know. That seems to be my only answer now. I just don't know. I wish I knew. I wish things had been different. I wish I was a better person. I guess it's too late for that.
I carry on. As I always do. I deal with myself and move on. I keep it inside. It's all I've ever known.
The whole Universe just seems so strange to me.

Things possibly about me:
Synesthesia
Bisexuality
Depression
Paranoia
Inferiority complex
God complex
DID
Schizophrenia
Demonomania
Genuine demonic possession

Why is nothing simple?

Early retirement

This is it. I'm officially putting this blog into hibernation.

I've just stopped posting. No point denying it. I've lost interest and things to write. There's just no point any more. I've just been going through some hard times lately. I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit of despair, as if that's news. I'm worried I might be collapsing into a further state of insanity. The other day I saw a giant purple plant growing out of the ceiling. A Grav-Kak. I was so scared...

Anyway. This is it for awhile. Maybe some day I'll pick up where I left off. Until then... Goodbye, readers that I don't have any of. See you again... maybe.

Unconditional

I've got big plans for this blog.
I don't care that I haven't updated in, I don't know, a month. That's not important. I know, it's the new year already, and my girlfriend is sixteen now, and I've had an exam, etc etc, and yeah a lot has happened. I know I've been seriously neglecting this blog beyond belief lately. I'm fully aware of that. But that doesn't mean I don't have plans for it. See, one of my potential plans for the future now is to become a critic. A critic of what, you ask? I don't know. I'll think of something. But in the meantime, this blog will become my little spot to exercise my criticizing skills. I don't know the word for it - a critique blog? Anyway. Whenever I can be bothered to post something I will critique anything I can think of to go with it. Maybe I'll get some actual readers.

My polar bear. My J. My J-bear. And she's tired. As am I... I'm just better at hiding it. I think.

Tell me this. Have you ever had a musical orgasm? Sort of like that thing from A Clockwork Orange, yeah. This one gets me every time. I'll never understand exactly why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmYSy9U78Sc
Yes, I am a secret Final Fantasy freak. Shut up.

My faults: Arrogant. Selfish. Overconfident. Self-obsessed. Uncaring.
My qualities: Um... still working on this.

Random Youtube video, just because I feel like it:


Something I worry about sometimes. Supposing a certain person or personage was... possessed, say. By, in no certain terms, mind, some sort of demon. In this day and age, how would anyone be able to tell? It would be passed off as genuine evil, or cruelty... or insanity... some kind of disorder, maybe... Something is very wrong in this world, that such things can exist. Angels and Demons are real. There's no POINT in denying it. Yet that's exactly what we do; we come up with "scientific" explanations for events that would otherwise be called unnatural or even supernatural.

Grav: Grav is perhaps the single most difficult to translate word in my entire itinerary. It is used to stack extra stress onto another word, but also has a meaning of its own.

One White Stripe

Saw Sweeney Todd. Cha-wow. Best musical I've seen since... well, best musical I've seen. Oh, wait. Nightmare before Christmas. That one was fairly excellent too. But it's definitely up there. I think my favorite part was when they were sitting on the towel, and she's describing all the places she wants to go, and in each scene he's sitting in the exact same position with the exact same expression on his face. Made me laugh. And the part when he finally killed the judge; in my head I was screaming "Yes! Yes! Finally! Ha-haa!" and making other such merriment. It was very satisfying. I relate well to Sweeyey Todd.

And I don't know why people didn't like the ending. Just because it wasn't a "happy" ending doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant. Everyone gets what they deserve in the end. Sweeney Todd learns the cost of killing, Mrs. Lovett gets a taste of her own medicine, as it were, the kid becomes a hero by murdering ours, the judge and his beetle get most satisfyingly destroyed, and the boy - and this was the real clincher for me - gets to run off and live happily ever after with his sister. That one simple connection that turned the whole meaning of the movie around; that's what really made it for me. That's the true genius of Sweeney Todd.

Although one thing did bother me.

Those who know me well have seen me in many strange moods. Some good, some bad, some outright frightening. But this one was new... ish... blood lust. The desire to slash, to scratch, to crush, to destroy... to murder. And that got me thinking.

There's remarkable few in the world who know who I really am. And yet... they don't. Because anyone who had any concept of how dangerous I can be would run.
And yet... there are two, one in my arms, one across the city - the world to me - some part of her still longing...

I need time to think.

The ongoing saga of Heather and the Heretic

“Do you believe in the fourth dimension?”

His eyes seemed to light up as the very number passed through his lips. I swallowed nervously, mentally steeling myself. “Like, time? Well... yeah, I guess...”

He had a little laugh; he hid it well, but I had learned to recognize it. “No, not time,” he chuckled. “The fourth spatial dimension. Ana, kata, the extra directions, that sort of thing.” His hands began to shake, as they tended to when he was excited. “I've worked it out. I know how to explain it, to draw it, to map it now!”

I stayed very still for a second, thinking very carefully. “Including time, wouldn't that make five dimensions?”

The shaking stopped. “You're getting ahead of me there. I haven't worked out how to draw five yet. But look!” he exclaimed as he drew two pieces of paper out of his pockets. “Watch... and learn.”

He scurried over to the desk and picked up a pair of scissors. Very carefully he placed the papers together and cut a perfect circle out of them both. He held up one circle and grabbed a pen. “This circle,” he said, drawing a letter K on it, “is called Kghroman. This one,” he drew an M on the other, “is called Morgoth.” Finally he lay one of the papers flat on the desk and wrote a letter G, with an arrow pointing to the empty circle. “This space, which has the potential to contain either circle, is called Gomorra.”

“Why the funny names?”

For this I received a glare. “What does it matter?” He returned to the desk, placing one circle on either side of the paper. “Now. Without removing any of the above from the surface of the table, I want you to place both circles into Gomorra.”

I walked over to the table. He looked at me expectantly. Half-heartedly I began to shuffle the papers around on the desk. I could see where this was going; clearly the task was impossible. I sighed. “Look,” I said, “I don't know what you're expecting me to do here. It obviously can't be done.” I tried to push Kghroman through the paper. It began to lift. “What, have you worked out how to move papers through each other?”

With a smug look he walked over. “Of course it's impossible,” he said. “But now... watch this.” Very carefully he picked up Morgoth and placed it directly into Gomorra, then put Kghroman perfectly on top of it. He looked back up at me. “Do you see?”

I gave him a confused look. “That's cheating. You said they weren't allowed to leave the table.”

“No!” The agitation in his voice suggested I was being thick again. “That's the point. The puzzle can only be solved by adding an extra dimension. Moving from two to three is the answer. Now look.” He held the circles between his fingers and lifted the paper. “You see? The edges stick out slightly. They don't quite fit in three dimensions. But...” he put the paper down. “When you go back to two, they go back to occupying the same space. And this proves my point.

“Actually,” he went on, “the mere act of cutting out a circle proves my point. Not the circle, but the space that's left. Creating a hollow object externally – easy enough, you say, but seamlessly? To take the inside out without cutting the object open? With scissors and paper it's easy; you poke a hole and just cut. But in three dimensions? Imagine trying to forge a hollow metal sphere. Just think about it. It can't be done.

“So,” he said, “Do you see?”

I gave him my best blank stare. “Sorry? What exactly am I supposed to be seeing?”

He rolled his eyes. “All I'm saying is that by moving from 2-D to 3-D, you can move solid objects through each other and even put two in the same place. But now... let's take it up another level.” He picked up Kghroman and Morgoth and rolled them into balls between his palms. Then he put them down and clasped his hands together. “Right,” he said. “Now the space between my hands is Gomorra. It's not seamless, but you get the idea. Same puzzle as before. Place both balls into Gomorra.” I stared at the balls, then at his hands, then back at the balls. “What are you waiting for? This time you know the answer.”

New year, same world

Time to reflect upon the past year.

I've had my heart broken 1.4 times.
I've found a girlfriend, whom I love. (Though admittedly I sometimes worry about her. I guess it's my nature.)
I've "double-upgraded" to nine.
My left arm has seen a lot of abuse.
I gave myself a rude awakening about my lack of omnipotency.
I have an "imaginary friend", Jim, the spectral spectator.
I now like mango juice.
Project Rebirth.
I wrote about how selfish and unfeeling the characters of To Kill A Mockingbird are.
I've had a dog temporarily, and gained two more cats.
I've been incredibly clever and phenomenally dim-witted.
I've started a blog.
I've become addicted to Webkinz, Munchkin, and Guitar Hero.
My lizard has moved from upstairs to downstairs.
I've invented the Chinchilla Theory, the All is One Theory, the Resurrection Theory, and the Source Theory.
I've officially established myself as the Ice Angel.
I've been, I've seen, I've done, I've walked away.
All that and more. A year is certainly a very, very long time.