Breakfalls

I've decided what I think would be the most romantic things anyone could ever say to me.
"I don't care. Take me with you."
Obviously this is highly situational. The idea is that even though I worry that I'm a monster, even though I think I'm no good for anyone, someone loves me enough to hold on to me. But not by dragging me back to their world; staying with me as I fall deeper into my own fantastical life. I would never ask anyone to do this... I would change for a person I loved. But I can dream that I won't have to make such sacrifices to find someone.
I can dream. I haven't lost that.

I cleaned the office today. Papers and unmarked discs lying all over the place. Funny how things pile up. I hate it when things move around, and I can't remember if I did it and I'm supposed to remember it or if someone else did it and I'm not. Like a muffin wrapper spilled on the floor next to my desk. Milo's bath in the middle of the bathroom. Clothes that stink of sweat. Internal communication is getting worse and worse. It's so hard to concentrate. A lot of the time I just want to sit and do nothing. I can't seem to find the energy to move.

Ugh.

I'm okay. I think I know that now. I have deep frustrations, but I'm okay.

Watch me long enough, and you'll notice I never relax my shoulders. I don't know when it started. It's been a long time. One day while out walking I did relax. I straightened up, smiled, uncurled the tentacles on my head. I relaxed my shoulders. Two long, ropelike strands rolled down my back and landed softly on the ground.
Confused, I studied them. I couldn't move them as easily as I could my tentacles, and they were entirely the wrong shape for wings. I had wings, a long time ago. They were ornamental mostly. They were broken when my back was slashed - how long ago? I do not remember. They never quite healed properly. Over time they grew smaller, at some point vanishing. Now I had these. Curiosities. Eventually I managed to roll them back into nibs beneath my shoulders.
A few weeks back, at camp, I found a use for them. In a tender moment I found myself lashing out at someone, wrapping the rope around him and hooking it into his chest. Though he showed the slightest signs of discomfort, physically there was no indication that he was aware of what I'd done. It took a moment to work it out. I brought the perplexing extremity back to me, holding it in front of my face. The end had split open into a webbed, four-pronged hook. I closed it up. Although it was tempting to practice with these, I told myself not to use them on another person.
Now I'm growing two more, beneath the first ones. Just lumps now, but they'll get bigger. I wonder what this says about my ethereal body. I guess there's no reason why it should stay the same shape. Either that or I've fallen to yet another level of delusion.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

I keep catching myself repeating the last word or phrase of sentences. I don't remember if it used to be intentional. It's not now. I'm trying not to draw attention to it, but it's only a matter of time before someone notices. Thus far they think I'm doing it on purpose.
Losing control of speech. Word salads. I worry.

Watched some Japanese horror short films tonight. I think it's important to be familiar with the Japanese style to fully appreciate them. A lot to do with death. Several had the same theme; basically be nice or dead people will kill you. Alternately, that dead people can show up anywhere, at any time. How strange it is.
My mother didn't like them. I found them interesting. Perhaps I've become insensitive to violence. I don't feel much fear. (or anything else.)
One of my fears is that if someday I do snap and do something... regrettable, everyone will blame it on something unrelated. A blog, a desire to prove a point, a scary movie I saw, blind madness. Not me. They'll see their own values and their own causes and they won't see the real person behind the madness. Any good that could have been grown from this tragedy will be lost.

I'd like to end on a happy note. Yes, that's what I would like to do. It would be really nice if I could do that.