Haven't updated. Things have been... difficult. Apologies.
Medication: not good. Panic attacks frequent and long-lasting. Often anxious and depressed.
New discovery: the one image that genuinely frightens me is the sacrificial alter of Moloch. Reasons unknown.
Sick of being told not to be afraid or not to be depressed. It doesn't help, it just gets me angry. Don't tell me what I should or should not feel.
Now single again. I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset, but I'm not angry. All I really want is someone to look after me, and unsurprisingly few people want that responsibility. I'm a burden. I know it.
More episodes. More dangers. There's a strange pressure inside my chest. I can't help but think there's something living inside of me. That's a notable symptom of schizophrenia, that is, but we'd rather not dwell on that.
Work to do. Can't focus on anything.
Can't sleep.
Can't.
2 comments:
"Sick of being told not to be afraid or not to be depressed. It doesn't help, it just gets me angry. Don't tell me what I should or should not feel."
Yeah, isn't that irritating? We live in a world where people don't want to see us in our negative states - angry, sad, grieving, upset, depressed, sick, and so on. I think there are two reasons for it. One is that people just don't like to look at it - it stirs up their own crap, it breaks the illusion that everything is peachy, what have you. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have my unpleasant emotions, thank you very much.
But... I also know that I don't want the people I love to suffer. Too much empathy? Anyways, telling them to cease suffering isn't going to actually work. I dunno, maybe it's feeling so helpless to do anything about it. We don't like feeling powerless.
Regarding Moloch's altar: Yes, it's scary. But it might be less scary by reclaiming the metaphor within the frightening image - when we step into adulthood, a certain portion of childhood (and hence, "the child") is sacrificed. The old way of living in the world is let go. "Sacrifice" is an interesting word, it means "to make sacred." Moloch, who was also known as Kronos (the Timekeeper) will take the sacrifice in absence of any other intention.
So... what will make the loss of childhood sacred to you?
Kronos... ugh. Of all things.
Sometimes I think I'm frozen in time around the age of 12 or 13. Even though in every way I'm older now it still feels like I'm young. Maybe it's because even though my whole life revolves around hiding from my past, I can never really escape it.
In my head, I always hear Molekh. I wonder why.
Something still bothers me about him, deep down, and I'm not convinced it's just a metaphor. Maybe I'll never know for certain.
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