Apr 21, 2009
B(r)awl
I'm tired, I'm sick, I can't feel anything. I'm not happy and I don't much care if I am. I've resigned myself to loneliness. Give me a reason to live that's not simply "it's better than the alternative." Cop-out pseud0-philosophical answers that don't actually address the question are not welcome.
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We are not owners of ourselves. It's a funny notion, ownership. We think we can possess land, people, even ourselves... but I question this assumption. What if I don't own myself? What if, instead, I am the guardian of myself?
(Does this resonate with Skeleton?)
I do not have the right to destroy myself, just as I do not have the right to destroy another being. We all have gifts, talents, a history and a future, and maybe these things do not belong to us. Buckminster Fuller, the famous scientist and engineer who gave us geodesic domes, was afflicted with suffering and self-doubt, and nearly threw himself into Lake Michigan before realizing this truth, that he did not own himself.
This notion that we don't own ourselves, any more than we can own other people, has an implication that we are accountable to something else, to a higher being, to the grand designs of life, what have you. Cast into the role of self-stewardship, we are put in the position of having work to do, a job to carry out. Do not betray your talents, do not betray your Self.
This probably won't make you feel better. And that's fine, because so much of why we're here is not about feeling better, but about fulfilling deeper obligations. It isn't fair, of course. It isn't fair, unless I consider that my lot in life was a contract I made to myself before my birth - and it helps to remember that we are all wounded, in our own unique ways. It kinda sucks to take this position, but at least it gives me the agency to make the most of my situation.
The Choice is yours, of course. Choose wisely.
i'm not certain of my purpose,
sometimes i ask myself on whether to carry on,
i see the harshness of human kind,
i see hate and hostility...
i think my purpose is to love,
i think it's to forgive the unforgivable,
to protect those who have fallen even though i'm weak myself,
i love the world and i think thats what keeps me going...
you know every night without fail i'll save the world from anything, tall invading aliens - demons - creepy assasins...
sometimes i feel hollow and numb,
but i don't show anyone,
some kids go round school and call me 'the one with no emotions' but thats only when i try not to get angry over something stupid, yeah that's what led to the panic attack, i got so angry and couldn't calm down so i just sat there shaking uncontrolably...
omg...
...i'm sleep deprived, have panic attacks, and get really angry...
......i'm only 15......
.......................
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