I've been having another waking dream. It's been occurring more and more frequently. Looking at the people around me... I want to break them.
People these days are weak. No one wants to deal with any issues, with anything. They put up walls to hide behind, they cry and squirm. I see people falling into pits of despair, or angst, or just being a fucking moron. I want to break them. I've lived my life this way - unable to shut anything out. Just internalize, draw it deeper into myself, let it hit me until it doesn't hurt any more. It's what gives me my strength. I don't believe in making things easier for myself.
I want to break down all these walls. I want people to see clearly. I want people to take their pain, deal with it, and move on. Yes, this means destroying them, but what of it? That which does not kill you only makes you stronger. I'm very good at slipping under peoples' defenses. I can strike them where they hurt the most. I reopen wounds, crush defenses, beat them around the head until they open their fucking eyes. "Look at yourself!" I say. "Fucking look at what you're doing!" They run away from me. I know why. What I'm doing hurts... but it's only because I want them to be free. But none of them ever see. They whine, they cry, they come to hate me, but none of them gain any perspective. They go on living the lies they build around themselves. They can't bear to look outside their own worlds, corrupt as they may be. Do you know what the name is for someone who cries and screams at the slightest pain or discomfort? A baby. People need to fucking grow up.
That's why I want to break them. You can't reason with them, can't inspire them. You can only tear them apart, then let them heal - properly. People, children, can't see this. You can hurt them again and again, crushing them until they finally listen to you, but they still won't change. I want to break them. I want to break them. I want to break them.
...that's the dream, swearing and all. It frightens me. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to turn into a monster. If the worst should happen, who will stop me?
I'm tired. I want to sleep.
I'm not a bad person. I don't want to hurt anyone.
I wouldn't.
No.
I...
I wouldn't...
1 comment:
People do want to hide. To avoid dealing with issues. To escape. Because pain sux, it sux rocks.
And yeah, I want to break down walls too. Rip them all open and say, "See? Why don't you step out into the open and just be free?" You are not alone in this feeling, not in a million years.
But it doesn't work that way, and that's what keeps us from being monsters. We would be monsters if it would actually work, but it doesn't really work. They just end up building their walls higher and thicker and more opaque. I can't *make* anyone free. That is something only each and every individual can accomplish for herself.
So why do I really want to cause pain? It's not because I'm a monster, it's not because I'm a bad person. It's because... it's because *I* am in pain, and alone in my pain. When pain is shared, at least it isn't so lonely, which is highly ironic when you consider our plight.
No one likes being the Other.
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