Dark Cut

Today was weird.

I slept well. It was because of the blackout. I sleep better when there are no lights. I like blackouts. We played Munchkin by candlelight. It was fun.

Today, though, I had both a Really Terrible Moment and a Perfect Moment. In the same day. That just about never happens. About as often as I dream...

The RTM happened outside.
I've never felt so helpless.
She said it wasn't my fault. I don't want to believe her, but I know I do. I promised I wouldn't hurt her. I promised I wouldn't hurt anyone ever again. Seeing her that way was agony.
I shouldn't have touched her. I knew it.
She knows how I feel about pills, yet she dared to mention them to my face.
Maybe we didn't have the understanding I thought we did.
It was that look...
NO HOPE

The PM was much later.
Perfect Moments have always been so rare. I think in my whole life I've had five. I think. It's hard to say.
"You make me happy."
It was dark, but I could see her face. She was smiling. I could see only happiness in her eyes.
People think perfection is big. Perfection is very small. Then you peer inside it and see the world.
She was smiling.
But it wasn't hope. It was the point when hope is no longer needed.
JOY

Sometimes I think I live off other people's emotions. That I have none of my own. I know I am happy when she is happy. When people are concerned I am concerned. When I feel hate... Have you ever cried for people you've never met? I have. It burned, it hurt so much... so much...

When I close my eyes I can still smell her hair.