One. Four. Seven. Nine.

I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
I'm supposed to tell them. How can I? I've kept this mostly to myself for four years now. Four years. Too long? Perhaps. Or perhaps no time is long enough.
I'm just so afraid of what will happen to me. Disappointment. Drugs. I don't want to go on. I don't even want to think about it.
I am what I am. I don't want to capitalize on it.
How can I say it? How can I reveal something like this, that's been kept silent for so long? How do I explain? How do I even bring it up? And the pain it would cause. So, so much pain. It's against the very first of the Skeleton Rules: You will not cause pain. Plain and simple. You will not cause pain. It's a rule I break, and break frequently. And each time I pay dearly for it.

The Skeleton Rules
1. You will not cause pain.
2. You will not think highly of yourself when self-appreciation is not deserved.
3. You will not bend to the will of any who are unworthy.
4. You will not allow impure thoughts to pass through your mind.
5. You will not generalize.
6. You will not conform.
7. Your needs are secondary to those of others.
8. You will not break the Skeleton Rules.
9. You are a good person. Don't forget it.

And yet I do break the Skeleton Rules. Particularly rule 8.
I don't know. That seems to be my only answer now. I just don't know. I wish I knew. I wish things had been different. I wish I was a better person. I guess it's too late for that.
I carry on. As I always do. I deal with myself and move on. I keep it inside. It's all I've ever known.
The whole Universe just seems so strange to me.

Things possibly about me:
Synesthesia
Bisexuality
Depression
Paranoia
Inferiority complex
God complex
DID
Schizophrenia
Demonomania
Genuine demonic possession

Why is nothing simple?

Early retirement

This is it. I'm officially putting this blog into hibernation.

I've just stopped posting. No point denying it. I've lost interest and things to write. There's just no point any more. I've just been going through some hard times lately. I feel like I'm falling into a bottomless pit of despair, as if that's news. I'm worried I might be collapsing into a further state of insanity. The other day I saw a giant purple plant growing out of the ceiling. A Grav-Kak. I was so scared...

Anyway. This is it for awhile. Maybe some day I'll pick up where I left off. Until then... Goodbye, readers that I don't have any of. See you again... maybe.

Unconditional

I've got big plans for this blog.
I don't care that I haven't updated in, I don't know, a month. That's not important. I know, it's the new year already, and my girlfriend is sixteen now, and I've had an exam, etc etc, and yeah a lot has happened. I know I've been seriously neglecting this blog beyond belief lately. I'm fully aware of that. But that doesn't mean I don't have plans for it. See, one of my potential plans for the future now is to become a critic. A critic of what, you ask? I don't know. I'll think of something. But in the meantime, this blog will become my little spot to exercise my criticizing skills. I don't know the word for it - a critique blog? Anyway. Whenever I can be bothered to post something I will critique anything I can think of to go with it. Maybe I'll get some actual readers.

My polar bear. My J. My J-bear. And she's tired. As am I... I'm just better at hiding it. I think.

Tell me this. Have you ever had a musical orgasm? Sort of like that thing from A Clockwork Orange, yeah. This one gets me every time. I'll never understand exactly why.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmYSy9U78Sc
Yes, I am a secret Final Fantasy freak. Shut up.

My faults: Arrogant. Selfish. Overconfident. Self-obsessed. Uncaring.
My qualities: Um... still working on this.

Random Youtube video, just because I feel like it:


Something I worry about sometimes. Supposing a certain person or personage was... possessed, say. By, in no certain terms, mind, some sort of demon. In this day and age, how would anyone be able to tell? It would be passed off as genuine evil, or cruelty... or insanity... some kind of disorder, maybe... Something is very wrong in this world, that such things can exist. Angels and Demons are real. There's no POINT in denying it. Yet that's exactly what we do; we come up with "scientific" explanations for events that would otherwise be called unnatural or even supernatural.

Grav: Grav is perhaps the single most difficult to translate word in my entire itinerary. It is used to stack extra stress onto another word, but also has a meaning of its own.

One White Stripe

Saw Sweeney Todd. Cha-wow. Best musical I've seen since... well, best musical I've seen. Oh, wait. Nightmare before Christmas. That one was fairly excellent too. But it's definitely up there. I think my favorite part was when they were sitting on the towel, and she's describing all the places she wants to go, and in each scene he's sitting in the exact same position with the exact same expression on his face. Made me laugh. And the part when he finally killed the judge; in my head I was screaming "Yes! Yes! Finally! Ha-haa!" and making other such merriment. It was very satisfying. I relate well to Sweeyey Todd.

And I don't know why people didn't like the ending. Just because it wasn't a "happy" ending doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant. Everyone gets what they deserve in the end. Sweeney Todd learns the cost of killing, Mrs. Lovett gets a taste of her own medicine, as it were, the kid becomes a hero by murdering ours, the judge and his beetle get most satisfyingly destroyed, and the boy - and this was the real clincher for me - gets to run off and live happily ever after with his sister. That one simple connection that turned the whole meaning of the movie around; that's what really made it for me. That's the true genius of Sweeney Todd.

Although one thing did bother me.

Those who know me well have seen me in many strange moods. Some good, some bad, some outright frightening. But this one was new... ish... blood lust. The desire to slash, to scratch, to crush, to destroy... to murder. And that got me thinking.

There's remarkable few in the world who know who I really am. And yet... they don't. Because anyone who had any concept of how dangerous I can be would run.
And yet... there are two, one in my arms, one across the city - the world to me - some part of her still longing...

I need time to think.

The ongoing saga of Heather and the Heretic

“Do you believe in the fourth dimension?”

His eyes seemed to light up as the very number passed through his lips. I swallowed nervously, mentally steeling myself. “Like, time? Well... yeah, I guess...”

He had a little laugh; he hid it well, but I had learned to recognize it. “No, not time,” he chuckled. “The fourth spatial dimension. Ana, kata, the extra directions, that sort of thing.” His hands began to shake, as they tended to when he was excited. “I've worked it out. I know how to explain it, to draw it, to map it now!”

I stayed very still for a second, thinking very carefully. “Including time, wouldn't that make five dimensions?”

The shaking stopped. “You're getting ahead of me there. I haven't worked out how to draw five yet. But look!” he exclaimed as he drew two pieces of paper out of his pockets. “Watch... and learn.”

He scurried over to the desk and picked up a pair of scissors. Very carefully he placed the papers together and cut a perfect circle out of them both. He held up one circle and grabbed a pen. “This circle,” he said, drawing a letter K on it, “is called Kghroman. This one,” he drew an M on the other, “is called Morgoth.” Finally he lay one of the papers flat on the desk and wrote a letter G, with an arrow pointing to the empty circle. “This space, which has the potential to contain either circle, is called Gomorra.”

“Why the funny names?”

For this I received a glare. “What does it matter?” He returned to the desk, placing one circle on either side of the paper. “Now. Without removing any of the above from the surface of the table, I want you to place both circles into Gomorra.”

I walked over to the table. He looked at me expectantly. Half-heartedly I began to shuffle the papers around on the desk. I could see where this was going; clearly the task was impossible. I sighed. “Look,” I said, “I don't know what you're expecting me to do here. It obviously can't be done.” I tried to push Kghroman through the paper. It began to lift. “What, have you worked out how to move papers through each other?”

With a smug look he walked over. “Of course it's impossible,” he said. “But now... watch this.” Very carefully he picked up Morgoth and placed it directly into Gomorra, then put Kghroman perfectly on top of it. He looked back up at me. “Do you see?”

I gave him a confused look. “That's cheating. You said they weren't allowed to leave the table.”

“No!” The agitation in his voice suggested I was being thick again. “That's the point. The puzzle can only be solved by adding an extra dimension. Moving from two to three is the answer. Now look.” He held the circles between his fingers and lifted the paper. “You see? The edges stick out slightly. They don't quite fit in three dimensions. But...” he put the paper down. “When you go back to two, they go back to occupying the same space. And this proves my point.

“Actually,” he went on, “the mere act of cutting out a circle proves my point. Not the circle, but the space that's left. Creating a hollow object externally – easy enough, you say, but seamlessly? To take the inside out without cutting the object open? With scissors and paper it's easy; you poke a hole and just cut. But in three dimensions? Imagine trying to forge a hollow metal sphere. Just think about it. It can't be done.

“So,” he said, “Do you see?”

I gave him my best blank stare. “Sorry? What exactly am I supposed to be seeing?”

He rolled his eyes. “All I'm saying is that by moving from 2-D to 3-D, you can move solid objects through each other and even put two in the same place. But now... let's take it up another level.” He picked up Kghroman and Morgoth and rolled them into balls between his palms. Then he put them down and clasped his hands together. “Right,” he said. “Now the space between my hands is Gomorra. It's not seamless, but you get the idea. Same puzzle as before. Place both balls into Gomorra.” I stared at the balls, then at his hands, then back at the balls. “What are you waiting for? This time you know the answer.”

New year, same world

Time to reflect upon the past year.

I've had my heart broken 1.4 times.
I've found a girlfriend, whom I love. (Though admittedly I sometimes worry about her. I guess it's my nature.)
I've "double-upgraded" to nine.
My left arm has seen a lot of abuse.
I gave myself a rude awakening about my lack of omnipotency.
I have an "imaginary friend", Jim, the spectral spectator.
I now like mango juice.
Project Rebirth.
I wrote about how selfish and unfeeling the characters of To Kill A Mockingbird are.
I've had a dog temporarily, and gained two more cats.
I've been incredibly clever and phenomenally dim-witted.
I've started a blog.
I've become addicted to Webkinz, Munchkin, and Guitar Hero.
My lizard has moved from upstairs to downstairs.
I've invented the Chinchilla Theory, the All is One Theory, the Resurrection Theory, and the Source Theory.
I've officially established myself as the Ice Angel.
I've been, I've seen, I've done, I've walked away.
All that and more. A year is certainly a very, very long time.

Chubbs, Flints and Razzers

Answer this question. A woman goes to her mother's funeral and meets the man of her dreams. Unfortunately she doesn't get his number or anything so she can't contact him at all. A few days later she killed her sister. Why?
Your answer may reveal a lot about you.

Another question. If a LAZER pointer is a continuous beam of light, why can you draw a line with it? Does your hand move faster than the speed of light? Why is it?

Books: How to Talk More Gooder Fastly (the Redneck Dictionary III), Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, The Android's Dream, and One Big Damn Puzzler.

DVDs: Um... 300, Speed, Starsky and Hutch, Snakes on a Plane, The X-files (seasons 1 and 2), Ping-Pong, Die Hard (1 through 3), The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert... I forget. That's for everyone, mind, not just me.

Other: Well... Several T-shirts with Engrish sayings (This Is Not Here), a little Dalmatian, nine angels, a LAZER pointer, a Nightwish cd, a memory whatsit... and more.

But what did I give? A Jazz cd. A pair of earrings. A book about art. A movie about Japanese ping-pong. A little turtle. A fish. And a completely original song. It seems unfair.

I finally finished A Clockwork Orange. It was... strange. I found it interesting that even though the main character was clearly the "bad guy", it was easy to emphasize with him. I think it was the knowledge that the rest of the world as he saw it was even worse, just in a different way. Maybe I feel in some ways I can relate. What I liked most about it, though, was the comparison between the original gang members at the end of the book. You can kill them, you can hire them, you can turn them into clockwork oranges, but if you leave them alone - without pressure, without suffering - then they make their own way in life. And they may well turn out all right. Maybe I can learn from that.

The answer is she hoped the man would be at her sister's funeral.
This question has been asked to several serial killers. They most frequently gave the correct answer. If you got the question right...

North of Fourth and south of the mouth

Things are looking great.

The tree is sparkly, the snow... is, the great sprout-eating contest is getting closer and closer by the second. Presents wrapped; there's a [secret] for my brother, a [also secret] for my dad, AND a [would you believe it? secret] for my mom. For my beloved, [seriously, you would not believe how secret this is]. The Weebl and Bob Christmas special is here - it's loading as I speak. The latest version of IWBTG has come out. Everything is looking fantastic.

I've also got the sweeping and laundry to do, but never mind eh.

I've officially started a time-lapse project. I take a photo of something every day and watch as it changes slowly over time. This could go on for months or even years. The subject? Me, of course! It's going to be interesting to see how this develops.




In other news, my camera is acting weird. The FinePixViewer screen is up, but no matter what buttons I press it won't do anything. How bizarre. Bizarre...



When even butterflies cannot be trusted...

When the blue skies call out your name...

When everything we've made is rusted...

And the world goes up in flames...

Just a little muse.



I forget if I've posted this before:


So much to say, yet so much to do, and the world needs whitening...

31

Looking for payday loan?

56%

Looking for payday loans?

Little Kuriboh makes me laugh

Today I am going to attempt... the unattemptable.
I'm going to try to put a youtube video on my blog.
I've seen it done before. I don't know how, but I'm going to work it out. I will. No hints, now. I will... I will...

*sets off on quest to put video on blog*



*later*

...okay. Now to cross my fingers and hope this works.

Blogging officially semi-daily

...okay. Wow. Just saw There's Something About Mary, and I may never recover. I'm disgusted, appalled, and several other words along the same lines. That was frighteningly painful. Painful painful to watch. "Hey, is that hair gel?" I will never forget that as long as I live. And the fishing scene... it's almost as bad as the episode of Coupling where she's blindfolded the guy and takes him into this room on his birthday and he gets really excited and takes off all his clothes, then his mother says "Oh, Jeffrey!" and he takes off the blindfold to see all the office staff, all his friends, and his parents all staring at him. Ouch. Just... ouch.
Absolutely hilarious, mind.


This is really nerve-wracking. (I wonder if that's really a word? I know I've heard- um, anyway,) I'm uploading a video, it's 58M with 15M finished, it's 9:51 and Cyberpatrol cuts off my internet in just a few minutes. If it doesn't load fast enough I'll have no choice to cut it off and post without it. 9:52... come on...

Okay. I feel as though a huge window has opened up in my physicality. I'm... I don't know how to describe it exactly. Elated? Kind of... disconnected. I don't know. I'm sure if I wasn't feeling so completely paranoid about the whole thing I'd be ecstatic. Mind you, Skeleton is going to flay me alive. What does flay even mean? Also, I wonder what Jim thinks. If Jim thinks. He's reading this over my shoulder right now. I think; I'm not really concentrating so it's hard to tell. You have to wonder. You know, "delusions" like this are considered signs of madness. Maybe all cases of insanity are just people experiencing alter-earth perceptions? Hard to say.

35M... come on...

*The Next Day*

Great. Just perfect. One and half minutes to go and the thing completely freezes up on me. What am I going to do with this? Blogger is so unreliable...

This is a song I wrote for Ella last year. I just need to get it off my chest.

It all began so simply
As we knew just how we feel
But now the world will tell us
That our love was never real
Children no longer innocent
Advise what we should do
Because of them relationships
Are rarely strong or true

It's now a statement of fact
That all affection's an act
True love is
Made of lust, and pixie dust
There's no one left for you to trust
And if we are to fight this lie
We'll never live if we can't try
We have to make them ask the question why

Now strangers and relations
Rain down praises from above
They think we're having sex when
All we've ever shared is love
The world no longer trusts us
To respect our fragile lives
They know that our decaying souls
Ensure no one survives

And even now I start to doubt
What this love truly is about
I trust but
Me and you? Can this be true? Do you feel the same as I do?
But those who trust are not alone
We'll turn the adolescent throne
There's no one here who should be left alone

There's no more now that can be said
And no more left to find
Though tender words like “girlfriend”
Sear across my weary mind
The time has passed for justice
To the truth we have to cling
That's why I pour my heart out
In this song that I can't sing

Society is binding me
But the world can't tear us apart!

...okay. The stupid video quit on me again. I'm just going to leave it.