I've been torturing myself again. Reading up on SRA. It's the same as when I was worried about schizophrenia; I don't visibly have all of the major symptoms, but enough to make it worth looking into, surely? I do have the abandonment issues, distrust of authority, violent sexual weirdness, difficulty making decisions and fear of being the center of attention, to name just a few. The latter is the one woven most deeply into my disguise... I am an excellent public speaker. No one would guess that being onstage is absolute hell for me. And dissociative disorders are often caused by such abuse.
It's all irrelevant, though. I do not believe that I was ritually abused.
But it would make sense if I was.
But there's no evidence for that.
Yet.
There's no way it could have happened.
That I know of. I remember so little.
And so the conversation goes...
I'm sick of this. On my seventeenth birthday I promised myself that this would be the year I turn my life around.
I want to know what happened to me. I don't care if it's painful, I don' care if it tears me apart. I need to know. I can't live like this. I need to know.
3 comments:
"On my seventeenth birthday I promised myself that this would be the year I turn my life around..."
I hope you do!
(Had a chance to read some of your blog; thank you for giving me the link. Would like to chat with you about it (or whatever else) sometime, but find this comment box a bit open for that. ~ Figured me out yet? :) )
I think you and Jane are going to get on nicely.
you may never know the truth of what happened. whatever you learn, accept it. the important thing is figuring what you'll do with what you've been given. that's the "how" of turning your life around.
hi neth!
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