I've been going into strange moods. I'm not sure why.
The whole manipulation thing is coming up again. The idea is that since I hide my true self from people, showing only what I need to show to maintain a healthy outward appearance, none of the emotions other people feel for me are real. People love Alex, not Nine. Basically it's that again but more complex. I see myself as the equivocator, teller of half-truths and imagined tales, letting them draw their own conclusions but steering them the wrong way. I'm not real so they're not real and that's where it all falls apart.
I can't suddenly show myself to the world without destroying my life. I'll take it slow for now. I know I'll get over this eventually, but I can't help clinging to the nagging thought that I do actually have a point...
I've started watching Dollhouse. In many ways it's not what it could be - a lot of the acting seems pretty forced, though Eliza Dushku is amazing, and the pacing is sometimes noticeably off, and this that and the other as well, blah blah - but the central concept is so powerful it more than makes up for it. I find it triggering sometimes. Some of the characters in their doll states remind me of The Dead One. It... bothers me. But I like the series so far.
There's something else about it, but my brain isn't telling me what.
1 comment:
Here's the thing about "coming out," whether you're gay or multiple or going into the army: it is a ritual by which you change other people's realities, as well as your own. So yes, by showing yourself to the world you would be changing reality, and some people would find that experience kin to watching you die.
Their emotions for you now are "real", though. Alex *is* a part of you, Nine, just not the whole story. Anything you show to the world right now is real in some sense, even if it doesn't feel that way to you. It's not that what you show isn't real, but that it isn't *complete*. It's like showing one facet of a diamond, rather than the entire nugget.
Dollhouse: Yes, the first few episodes are uneven. It gets much better, beginning with True Believer, and really gets a head of steam by Echoes. Some of this unevenness has to do with the show being produced on Fox - it took almost half a season for them to reverse themselves on trumpeting an "episodic" structure, only to hand the reins over to Joss Whedon and let him produce a more "serialized" story.
It's been triggering me, too, by the way. It gets deep into my personal mythology. Dollhouse is laden with archetypes and subliminal images, so you should expect it to bother you.
Do you know what a SATOR square is?
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