It's nearing the end of the year. All of Visual is hanging up their graduation paintings. The whole school smells like paint. It's going right to my head.
I'm sick of the stupid grade 9s on my bus who talk endlessly about sex and drugs. It makes me want to do something I'd later regret.
I'm going into withdrawal again. I need a hug.
Sick of being in the same room as people my heart still aches for. But I don't want to be alone. But I also can't stand the constant reminders of people who don't love me any more. Or never did.
I can never say what I'm really feeling.
Just sick of it.
...I'm lonely.
I've still never met a multiple. Never face to face, and never one that I could freely talk to. That in addition to the voices, the visions and the demonic ancestor. I've got no one I can relate to. Some come close, to be sure, but still. I want someone I can be with without having to say anything. Without constantly holding myself back for fear I'm going to hurt them. I want someone to hold. I want someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.
I want, I want. My keening echoes.
I'm just lonely.
It would be nice, I think sometimes, to lose myself.
But no. No it wouldn't. And that's not the kind of person I am.
Isn't that up to me, I say.
No, I say. No it's not.
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