Lux Mortis

Leave me alone, Jim. Please.
Watching me or watching over me? I don't know which is worse.

A lot of work to do tonight. A lot a lot.

The test confirmed it. Links can be broken. Mental bonds, formed willingly or no. Part of me stays in everyone I touch. It's a huge weight off my mind that these are not permanent. There are some people I don't want to be connected to forever.

That bruise was huge. I don't know. I couldn't get the whole thing, but I felt the moment of impact; the rush, the loss, the dawning hysteria before the moment died. I felt everything breaking around me and the pain of having survived. I felt the coldness and the stunned silence. It's an imperfect reconstruction, but I understand what you went through. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what I would do if I was alone. I'd probably become a total recluse. It would be days before I would speak to anyone. I would start compulsively scratching my arms with anything that came to hand. Eventually they'd try to put me back to work. Around lunch I'd disappear. They'd eventually find me collapsed, face-down in the snow in the middle of the field. I'd be brought inside and a kind but clueless councillor would try to coax me out of my sullen huddle. I would only glare. The next day I would be gone. I would take Fuzzy and just start walking. Maybe they would find me again. Maybe I would just disappear. Maybe I would surface days later, frozen to death on a street somewhere. Maybe I'd be found and brought back to face the wrath of everyone who knew me. Maybe I would meet a new friend and start a new life on the street. Maybe Jim would finally step in. At least I would have Fuzzy. Maybe then it wouldn't be as unbearable. I know I wouldn't go back. If they tried to catch me I'd tear them apart with my teeth. They'd tie me up and drag me, kicking and screaming like the animal I am, to the nearest psyche ward. For a while I would communicate only in garbled writing, then would eventually shut down completely. Never to speak again.

I think I need a hug.

The project is silly. I'm neither an introvert nor an extrovert. I'm a mezzovert, posing as an introvert. Presumably there's another level on the complete opposite side of the spectrum, but I'm in no position to study it. The whole thing is silly. I've known who I am for years.